redemption

Here’s what we’ve been up to around here:

Bryn meets Aunt Stacey and cousin Ashlyn

Granny came to help for a month!  She was amazing!

We needed as much help as possible b/c of THIS!

And THIS!

And this!

Shea got so sick of it, he decided to go lay down in the hall outside of our apt.

Bryn with her Papa

Shea with his Mandy.  We’ve been spending as much time with her as possible because we sure are going to miss her.  She’s part of our family, and I think we’re all going to go through withdrawal.  What will we do without our Mandy???

Bob Smart, our pastor in IL, baptized Bryn for us.  We are so thankful for Pastor Bob and the way God has used him in our lives.  God used him to bring us to seminary in St. Louis.

The girl is fattening up!  At 3 weeks old, she weighed in at 8 lbs. 5 oz. (birth weight was 6 lbs. 13 oz.)

Tomorrow, I’m getting on a plane with Bryn and Shea and we are heading to NC for good.  Wilmington will be our new home.  Jared will meet us there on Saturday.  Life has been a whirlwind these past few weeks, but I am thankful for the quiet times I get to sit and feed my baby.  She’s still doing great at night, sleeping for 7-8 hours.  All I can say is that God is gracious to me and I am thankful.

Things could not possibly be going better. My Mom is here practicing all of her “J” tendencies (Myer’s Briggs….a lot of you get what I’m saying) and we are benefiting greatly from her “J-ness”. Our kitchen is cleaner than ever, clothes magically appear washed, and much of our house is neatly packed for our move thanks to her work.

Mandy Hardy Photography

Jared is doing an amazing job as Daddy to our little girl. He is responsible for her at night after I give her one last feeding b/w 11 and 12. I go to bed, and for the past 2 nights, he has been able to keep her happy for 6-7 hours straight before her morning feeding. That’s right. She’s sleeping for 6-7 hours at night! We’re crossing our fingers, hoping it stays that way. I believe it’s God’s grace, allowing me to get the sleep I need without having to give her formula in the middle of the night.

Mandy Hardy Photography

The big brothers are falling more and more in love with her every day. Shea pulled a chair up to where she was sleeping on the couch this morning and just stared at her. Gage has brought numerous friends over to see his baby sister and his face beams with pride as they ooo and ahhh over her. Yesterday, he was talking to her and said, “You let a kid be mean to you. He’ll go home to his daddy with a black eye ’cause no one’s gonna be mean to my baby sister.” He is such a protector.

Mandy Hardy Photography

Bryn had her first doc appt. yesterday and she has already surpassed her birth weight. The doctor was amazed and said that usually doesn’t happen until 2 weeks. So, the girl is getting plenty of milk!

Mandy Hardy Photography

Many of you have asked how we chose her name. Brynda is named after her Gran-Gran (Jared’s Mom), who passed away in 2000. We always knew that if we ever had a girl, we would name her Brynda. We chose her middle name, Shaffer, because that was Brynda’s maiden name. I am so thrilled to be able to use Jared’s Mom’s name for our little girl. I wish so much that I, along with our children could have known her, and this is a special way to remember her daily. I can’t wait to tell Brynda the story of her Gran-Gran and help her understand what a special name she has.

Brynda Shaffer Lee was born on May 24th at 635 AM - She weighed 6 lbs and 13 oz!

More details later…

Posted by Jared

I realize it’s been a while since I last posted.  I’ve been trying to get everything crossed off my list before baby arrives, and then graduation came this past weekend, along with a great visit from family.  So, here’s the update in pictures and words……

Jared graduated Friday night, and this picture was taken with his sister, Robin and family, and my Mom, after church on Sunday.  I made  him put his cap and gown on so we could have a picture with everyone.

Making pizza with cousins, Michael and Tara.

After church on Sunday, we all went to Grant’s Farm.

It was fitting to go to Grant’s Farm on Jared’s graduation weekend, considering his favorite thing to do is relax at the courtyard sipping free beer.  Grant’s Farm has been a favorite of his since we moved here, so we had to get one last visit in.

And, this leads to Gage.  Why does he look so miserable?  Well, after a week of him just not being himself, we finally found out today that he has pneumonia.  The kid has persevered through a crazily busy weekend, trying so hard to be well, when he really wasn’t at all.  We’re so glad to finally know what is wrong with him, and he should be fine in a few days, thanks to antibiotics and rest.

And, on the baby front? We’re waiting.  I’m pleasantly surprised that we made it through finals and graduation.  I didn’t expect us to make it through our visit with Jared’s sister, and am a little disappointed they weren’t here for the big event.  I’ll be 39 weeks on Friday…………….

My Mom has been here since Wednesday, and I’m so amazed at how nice it is to have an extra set of hands around here.  I’m noticing all of the little things like emptied wastebaskets and fresh towels hanging in the bathroom.  Ahhhh…..there’s nothing like a Mama.  Jared’s sister being here was wonderful, too, because they took the kids and had a blast with them.  I’ve barely had to take care of my kids for the past few days!  It’s been so nice having family here.

And, last but not least…………..we know what we’re doing when we leave here now.  Believe it or not, we are moving to Wilmington, NC! We’ve signed a lease on a house and we’re excited about what the future holds for us.  We’ll give a more specific update later….

That’s all for now!  I know it was a long update, but it may be the last one until after baby arrives.  As you think of us, please pray for a quick and safe delivery.  Thanks!

I’ve been to the Botanical Gardens, here in St. Louis two Wednesdays in a row.  This spring weather feels so good to me and seeing all of the flowers in bloom is so good for my soul.  My feet are complaining a little these days (tomorrow I’ll be 35 weeks along!), but I’m so glad to be able to walk without my back hurting, that I’m willing to endure the feet aching.  By the way, there is a reason my back is so much better these days.  I found a great massage therapist, and I’m wishing I had found her so much sooner.  If you need one, let me know, and I’ll pass her name on to you!  Now, on to the pictures…………

Watching the Gardener

I woke up this morning and realized that I had completely forgotten to make resurrection cookies with the boys last night.  We won’t be able to do it tonight, either, because we will be hanging out at a friend’s house.  That’s okay, though.  We’ll just make them 2 days late.  It doesn’t change the fact that our Redeemer is alive and we have much to celebrate.

The kids and I have really enjoyed making these for the past 2 years and I thought I’d share the idea with all of you.  It’s so great for kids who are tactile learners because they are able to taste salt, which represents the tears of Jesus, smell or (if they’re brave enough) taste vinegar, which reminds us of the vinegar they gave Jesus as He hung on the cross, and taste the sugar, which represents the sweetness of Jesus’ love for us.  I seriously think I enjoy this activity just as much as the kids do.  Follow this link, and try it with your family.  Who cares if it’s a couple of days late!

I’ve decided this will be the wrap-up post for my series on postpartum psychosis.  If you’re just joining in, please read parts 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.   The following are “red flags” I sent up the couple of weeks preceding my hospitalization.

1.  Sleeplessness.  I’m not talking about being woken up by the baby throughout the night.  I’m talking about consciously choosing to NOT sleep and choosing to do something else, rather than sleep.  I would feed my baby in the middle of the night, and instead of going to sleep like most moms would do, I chose to spend the next 2 hours journaling or praying.  I had no desire to sleep whatsoever.

2.  Out of character behavior.  I smoked a cigarette and then went inside to brag about it to my family.  Very strange, considering I had never been a smoker, and absolutely did not like cigarettes.

3.  An elevated sex drive.  Any woman who pursues sex within the first 2 weeks of delivering a baby, is more than likely having issues.  This is just not normal.

4.  Super-spiritual.  Most moms are doing good if they are able to feed their baby, sleep, and take a shower.  I was praying non-stop, singing praise songs, and journaling about my spiritual journey.

5.  Excessive talking.  I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.  My mind was racing 100 miles per hour and I talked at about the same rate.

6.  An inflated sense of self.  An over abundance of confidence.  I felt like a diva mom and even referred to myself in that way.  I had just delivered a baby and was wearing clothes that were way too revealing for my post-delivery body.  I thought I looked great, and had never looked better.

Here are some resources for those of you looking for more information:

UNC-Chapel Hill is doing an amazing job at researching and helping women suffering from postpartum mood disorders.  I would advise any woman experiencing major symptoms to seek out help from these doctors.

Postpartum Support International: Search for support in your area via this website.

Thank you, all, for sticking with me through this journey.  I have received great encouragement from many of you and am so thankful I’ve had the opportunity to share my story.  I hope that my story will be a source of hope for those of you who can’t see the light right now.  It is there, and you will move past this darkness.

Once again, if any of you have questions, I would be more than happy to answer them to the best of my ability.  You can either leave me a comment, or reach me via email at lyrahlee (at) yahoo (dot) com.

I cannot even tell you guys how much I have anticipated and yearned for spring this year. I pretty much missed the beautiful fall weather around here due to first trimester pregnancy stuff, and then the cold, dreary winter set in. I feel like I’ve been cooped up way too long, and so I’ve really been savoring the new blooms this year. I actually feel well enough to get outside and enjoy it right now, and I have a new camera to keep me busy! This is what I’ve been waiting for………………

Couldn’t resist posting a pic of this guy we saw at the zoo!

Check out that slobber.  And, those whiskers.

I love, love, love Forest Park.

I know I keep saying this with every post, but if you’re just joining in on this “series” on postpartum psychosis, go back and read parts 1, 2, 3, and 4.

As I mentioned in the last post, I met with my psychiatrist in Chapel Hill a few months before my second child was born, and we came up with a prevention plan that turned out to be successful.  The plan was really pretty simple.

1.  I started taking Clonazepam at night before bed while I was still in the hospital.  Clonazepam is an anti-anxiety medication and he suggested I take it at night so that the drug would peak in my system during sleep, rather than during the day when I would be breastfeeding.  This medication aided me in being able to sleep through the night and helped reduce my anxiety about getting sleep.  I was advised to take it for 3 weeks, and then discontinue use.

2.  SLEEP, SLEEP,  SLEEP.  This was the most important thing in preventing a recurrence.  My husband, Jared, committed to getting up with the baby at night for the first 3 weeks (and more, if needed).  Jared and baby slept in a separate part of the house so that I wouldn’t be disturbed.  The baby was fed formula for his nighttime feedings and I went to bed around 11.  I slept through the night and fed the baby his first morning feeding (around 6 or 7).

3.  Rest and take it slow.  I didn’t let myself stress over house stuff. And, if I had tried, my husband would have stopped me!   My responsibility was to take care of my baby, and that was it.  Of course, there were times I really felt up to doing some things around the house, and so I did.  But, I didn’t push myself.  I slowed down and only did the things that I felt I had the energy to do.

I am so incredibly thankful that I was able to have a normal postpartum experience after the birth of our second child.  I wanted so badly to be able to nurse and it worked out.  I realized just how much I had missed the first time, as I enjoyed every second with my baby.  Of course, along with the joy I felt in having a normal experience, I also dealt with grief over all I missed with my first child.  I am still saddened by that loss, but am so thankful that I’ve had a second chance to experience the beauty of motherhood as it should be. I’m thrilled that I will have this opportunity once again with baby #3!

Next post:  Warning signs of postpartum psychosis.  I’ll be back!

Oh, and by the way……………

If any of you want to ask questions in the comments below, I would love to try and answer them!

I realize that I am really dragging out the telling of my story, and I do apologize.  I’ve found that it takes lots of emotional energy to find words that best describe my experience, so I have had to space out my posts.  If you’re just joining in, read Part 1, 2 and 3 first.  I’m going to try my best to finish this saga soon so that I have the energy to write about new topics.  Hang with me if you can!

I’m pretty sure the date is not correct on this photo.  I think this was taken soon after my first hospitalization (early November).

As I said in Part 3, the two week hospitalization for ECT’s was a blur in many ways due to the nature of the procedure.  However, I have never been able to forget the anxiety I felt when my husband came into the room as I lay in the bed to tell me that he had just gone and smoked crack, once again.  Yes, this had happened while I wasn’t hospitalized, but this time, the anxiety was more than I could handle.  He told me that I couldn’t tell anyone, because our child could end up being taken from us by the state since I was hospitalized and he was considered to be the sole caretaker.  I felt like my world was completely out of control and as soon as he left, I called my Mom, who was working at the hospital.  I informed her of what was going on, and she was able to calm me and convince the nurses to give me something to ease my nerves.

The reason I share these details here is to give you all an understanding of the factors surrounding my mental state.  I have always believed that  I may have never suffered from postpartum illness, had my circumstances been different.

Upon finishing Electroconvulsive Therapy, I was released from the hospital once again.  And, once again, my family was shocked at how confused and disoriented I was.  I couldn’t remember how to do simple things in the kitchen, like mixing up a batch of cookies.  My sister has video footage of me being instructed on how to mix up cookies, and I have still not watched it.  In many ways, I think I just don’t even want to remember how bad it all was.  Seeing it in action just seems too much for me.

After a few weeks of being home (late December to early January) my husband (okay, I’m going to stop referring to him as “my husband” b/c he isn’t anymore, and it just seems weird.  From now on, I will refer to him as  “D”) decided that it was time for us to move out of my parent’s home and so we began renting a place of our own.  During that time, I was able to function, but still very depressed.  It seemed that the ECT’s jolted me out of the vegetative depression, but I was still far from being myself.  My son (who was, by then, 4 months old) spent most of his time in a swing while I slept on the couch.  I never went anywhere or made any efforts to contact my friends.  I fed my baby and slept, for the most part.  My Mom checked on me regularly throughout the day because she was worried.  She, and the rest of my family knew that I was far from better.

One day, my Mom stopped by and told me that she had found a doctor in Chapel Hill who specialized in postpartum illnesses.  She had already scheduled an appointment for me to see him on March 6th.  At this point, we were still in the month of February, and things were not going very well with “D”.  He ended up checking into a drug rehab mid February, and Gage and I moved back in with my parents.

On March 6th, my Mom, Gage, and I took a trip up to Chapel Hill to see a man who will forever be my hero.  His name is Dr. Pedersen, and he spent about 30 minutes with me, and knew what changes needed to be made in my medications to bring me back to myself.  I began those changes according to his instructions immediately, and within a week, my entire family began to see changes in my behavior.  For months, I had been non-conversant.  I had made no effort to take part in conversations.  I began taking part in the conversations going on around me.  Everyone knew that things were changing.  After 2 weeks, I began feeling motivated to do things I had not done in months.  I went for walks and cleaned up the house.  I began taking pictures of my baby and enjoying every second I had with him.  It was as if I had awoken from a fog to find a precious baby ready for me to be his “mommy”.  When I visited “D”, he could see the changes, too.  We were all thrilled.  I felt human for the first time in 5 months and I began to feel confident things would be okay.

Fast forward 2 months…………………

By May, I was completely back to normal, and had begun working again as a waitress. “D” came home from rehab and we rented a nice apartment.  I remained on my medication and things went smoothly with my mental state, despite numerous ups and downs in D’s struggle with addiction.  My doctor advised me to remain on medication for a couple of years, and so I continued taking my meds and had regular appointments in Chapel Hill for him to continue monitoring me.

Life through a new lens.   July, 2000

Over the course of that next year, following my extraordinary recovery, I encountered numerous trials, including a divorce and custody procedures.  I ended up moving away from family to go back to college as a single mom and maintained straight A’s, all while trudging through a divorce and the eventual termination of my ex-husband’s parental rights.  Things were far from easy, but my mental state remained steady and consistent.

It didn’t take long for God to bring me an amazing man who soon became my husband (and Gage’s Daddy).  Three years after our marriage (and 6 years after Gage’s birth), we welcomed our second son into the world, and I encountered no postpartum issues.  We did, however take some precautions, at the advice of my brilliant Dr. in Chapel Hill.  I’ll share those precautions in the next post.  Stay tuned!