Healing really hurts!
Well, I kind of knew this day would come. I haven’t really felt that raw pain of healing since starting this blog, but, today I am. When Jared and I moved here a year ago, I started feeling the Lord stir my insides and I knew there was a lot of pain there that He intended to heal. It’s amazing how we can stuff it down and not even be aware of such hurt living right under the surface. So, the tears began flowing and I began to know that my Redeemer was going to heal me in a BIG way. It really is a painful process. But, what has amazed me is that He cares for me in such a tender way. He gives me just what I can handle. Last fall (our first semester here), I was walking through an intense time in counseling and felt very overwhelmed. Just when I needed a break, He gave it to me. During that time, I was able to begin processing all that He had already shown me in the short time I had been in counseling here at Covenant. (a great, free service to students!) He also began blessing us in a big way this past semester with close friends that I know will follow us past our time here. It’s been a nice break.
Now, He’s stirring me up again, and I feel the pain once more. The realization that I have put walls up in a big way with my husband is overwhelming. It hurts me to know that at some point something snapped in me and I withdrew from him. Jared and I ended up talking, crying, and praying through this a couple of nights ago and I think what causes me the most pain is knowing that there are men in my past who I have given more of myself to than him. That’s just not the way it is supposed to be, and yet it is. Jared deserves so much better than that. All of this is not new to me. It came up throughout counseling and I’ve known it is there. I just have a huge sense of God moving in our midst and redeeming something that is so broken. This is all part of His plan for us. And, I am so thankful for his tender care and mercy.
During a very hard time in my life, preceding my divorce in 2001 (yes, there’s quite a past there), I was so desperately crying out to the Lord. He very clearly told me that He was going to fill my book with new pages. It’s turning out to be quite a book!
I realize that this is the most vulnerable I have made myself since joining this little “blog world”. I guess I feel inspired to share with the world the work of redemption that is transpiring right before my eyes. God has taken someone broken and shattered to pieces and is slowly piecing her back together again. Mine is just one story out of a zillion.
11 comments
I appreciate your being vulnerable–kinda scary, huh? But I can totally relate to what you’re saying. It hurts to be broken, and it hurts when God restores us. Ah, sanctification! And I love what Jenny said over in my comments the other day–sanctification does hurt, but it would be worse if God just left us alone. So true! Love you!!!
the only thing i can say is I love you dearly…
This is wonderful and real and powerful and I am so proud of you for choosing truth and honesty to share here! Lyra- you are right. Your story is like so many but it is so amazing that He cares so dearly for the ONE. and that is you. I know healing is a hard place but I’m glad you are there. We all see the beautiful heart of the woman God is caring for and I’m so thankful to know you and be your friend. I love love you.
“It is well with my Soul”……I looking forward to that day when we will live in the most amazing place and draw near to our Awesome God……..and know it is well with our souls. Love and prayers and hugs my dear sister in Christ! You are special because you are chosen by God the Father..Thanks for sharing!
Appreciated your honesty here, Lyra. And grateful that God has given you to Jared (and vice versa). Our first year was no picnic in a lot of ways, both together and individually, but now (and not later) is the time to embrace what God is doing. Judging by your courage, you are.
Let us know if we can be of any help.
“For i know the plans i have for your declares the Lord, plans prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I love you!
You so totally rock! Is it not amazing that even when we neglect vital prayer, we neglect Scripture, and we hunger and thirst after all things but His presence, He still pursues us? He still demands intimacy, and he won’t take “No” for an answer. I love that! If the depth’s of my sanctification were in my hand, what a paucity of Christianity that would be.
Lyra, I know that this process is not easy, and I say this as one who has gone through something similar in the last 10 days . . .those whom he loves he disciplines. He is burning away the dross, and the beauty that He will bring forth will take your breath away.
Strap In . . .this may sting a little, but you are not alone!
Sean, I love you too
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. And, Sean, your comment was perfectly timed. As I was driving home from bible study last night, I found myself really just pouring my heart out to the Lord and pleading with Him to not give up on me. Before I could even get the words out of my mouth I was praising Him for continuing to pursue me and pull this mess out of me. And, I was reassured fully that He is indeed not going to stop pursuing me. Amazing!
I’m not quite sure how to encourage you best, but keep praying and pursuing your partnership with your sweet husband. Hal and I had YEARS of hurt and Our loving Savior healed them and turned us into quite a team. We still are cautious, yet there’s a peace in our lives that goes beyond explanation. We have a kind of quiet knowledge that we are there for each other. This took over 20 years for us, and it sounds like you are much more aware and will have great blessing in your marriage at a much younger age than we did. I hope to speak personally to you at some time, I’m not very good at this blog stuff.
I know, Liz. The blog thing can be kind of weird. I think the danger in it can be when it inhibits a person from talking to someone in real live flesh because they are so engrossed in “blog world”. I would love to talk with you in person some time. You are such an encouragement and I really appreciate it. And, I am so thankful that the Lord has done such a miraculous work in your marriage. See you soon!
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