I’m a Closet Thrower

The title of this post makes no sense to you right now. But, after I recap my day, it will, I promise. This life we’re living here at seminary can get tough sometimes, and it always seems to hit us at once. A few days ago, I was out riding my bike with Shea. As I was riding, God was speaking to me through an analogy, as He often does. We started out and it was so easy. I was barely having to pedal, the wind was blowing in my face, and we were gaining speed. As I was enjoying this easy ride, I started thinking about the fact that on the way back we would be going uphill. I was already thinking about how hard things would soon become. As we came back and I began pedaling up the hill I had so easily come down before, I came to a point (well, a few points) where I just HAD to stop and breathe. Everything in me wanted to just keep going because I could see the top and I wanted to get there, where I knew it would be so much easier. But, I couldn’t until I stopped and rested for a minute, taking a drink from my water bottle. After a few short rests here and there, I was able to make it to the top. But, to get there, I had to stop and rest, and drink my water. Hmmmm. Does this sound familiar? I cannot make it through the hard times without refreshment from the Lord. And, while I’m struggling to make it through, many times I don’t want to stop and take the time for Him. Most of the time, He just moves in on me and makes me stop and see Him. But, when I do take the time, I’m never disappointed and I am always given a ray of hope. So, with all that said, I’ll move on. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of using this blog entry as I would a journal tonight. I know it may end up being long, but we’ll just see where this goes.

This past week has not been an easy one. Shea started throwing up last Tuesday and he hasn’t really been right since. He’s very whiny and he keeps saying, “It hurts.” No fever, just very whiny and this is not like my child. I think it is really starting to drive me crazy. He’s supposed to be happy and I’m not used to this. We’ve been waiting on our rent money, not knowing where it will come from, all week, and that is never pleasant. In the midst of this, Gage’s crocs were taken from our front door during a “sweep” of campus, and we are supposed to pay $25 to get them out of “toy jail”. Things have just been tough, and Jared is consumed with schoolwork right now, so that means very little free time for me. Well, I snapped today.

Our plans for today were to do some school in the morning, put Shea down for his nap around 12, and then leave for Frontier Club at 1:30. We (the kids and I) were going to take our bikes with us and go bike riding after the meeting on a neat trail I’ve heard about. Well, it all fell apart because Shea refused to go to sleep and at 12:40 I had not had a shower, lunch had not been eaten, and SHEA WAS NOT TAKING HIS NAP! I was getting really angry because my plans were not working out and I just wanted to do something outside and enjoy the weather. On top of it all, Gage was also being very emotional and started crying because he couldn’t get his domino set-up to work right. I asked him to clean up a mess that was on the floor, as Shea was whining at the refrigerator and I was trying to make lunch. I looked over (after telling him to “please hurry” 3 times) and he was lying on the floor with his arm stretched out trying to reach a block, but he was in no hurry, and the fact that he was lying on the floor acting so lazy really made me mad. So, I yelled at him, told him that he didn’t need to worry about picking the mess up because I was just going to do it and sent him to his room. As soon as he left the room, I took my flip-flops off my feet and threw one into the kitchen, where it hit the refrigerator, and the other against the door. I proceeded to get the things done that I had to do, and made the decision that we were going NOWHERE. I knew that I just couldn’t do it. I was past my breaking point. I did go into Gage’s room once I cooled off and apologized for losing my temper. I explained that I was taking responsibility for my sin and that I hoped that he would take responsibility for his own, but that I couldn’t make him. I’ve noticed that I really do throw things and kick things when I’m really, really angry. But, I always do it when no one is looking. Yes, I do have an anger problem, but I guess I just hide it. So, now I’m confessing it to the whole world. I throw things when I’m mad. When I was pregnant with Shea, I walked out on the back porch in absolute anger and kicked the wall in with my new Dansko clogs. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it was a really old house and the walls were thin. And, in Illinois, the wintertime is really depressing, and I’m pretty sure it was winter. Okay, I’m done confessing now.

Now let me tell you the really great things that happened today.  11:59 tonight is the deadline to pay our rent. My friend, Emily, who works at Covenant, e-mailed me today to inform me that someone had anonymously deposited $150 in our student account to be used toward our rent. After this deposit, we were in need of $502. I knew the numbers were going to be tight, but this is just crazy! I logged into our bank account, and our balance was $506. So, I can go to bed tonight knowing that our rent is paid in full. We have gas in the car and food in the fridge, so all is well. After my little tantrum today, I e-mailed Jared and told him I was losing it and that we needed to talk about when I can have some time on my own. He is so sweet and always wants to do everything he can do to make things easier for me. So, he arranged for us to have a babysitter tomorrow night so that we can go out on a date. And, I went out by myself for about 45 minutes after dinner and came home to a quiet(boys were in bed), clean house, with candles burning and soft music playing. We’re going to make it up this hill. I’ve just got to stop and remember to take a drink of water.