Posts from — November 2007

Shea just started playing “hide and seek” yesterday. He says, “8,10,8, weady ow not heaw me tum.”

I promise I haven’t forgotten about my blog. I’ve just been in a blah mood lately, and haven’t felt very motivated to write anything. I guess I could have left you with something a little more uplifting than the last entry about the Congo. Oh, well. So, why am I just blah? No idea. I think it’s a combination of things. Possibilities:

1. Time change. I hate it when it’s getting dark at 4:30.

2. No exercise. Totally off track with exercise/eating right. But, I went to the “Y” for the first time in 3 months today. My goal is to lose 5 lbs by Christmas and to be exercising regularly.

3. Isolation. It seems that I go through cycles of feeling really connected to the community around me and not feeling connected. Right now, not so connected. It takes energy to stay connected with people, and I think my energy level was just being sapped during the 2 months of Jared working 2 jobs and going to school.

4. Loose ends. Things hanging over my head that need to be done. Find insurance for our family, write my part in a support letter, work through a conflict with someone who may not even know it exists.

5. Spiritually dry. No desire to read my bible. Zoning off during church (sorry, Pastor Sean, it’s not you!) I know this will pass, too. I just hate when it happens.

So, hopefully within this next week, I’ll have something better to blog about. I’m going on a walk today with the boys and will be taking my camera so that I can try to get some pictures of them in all these leaves. It’s been a tradition since Shea was born, and if I don’t hurry, I’m going to miss it this year.

In case you’ve forgotten, take a look at this. Two girls from my sister’s church in NC spent a year in the Democratic Republic of Congo. The atrocities happening there leave me speechless. It’s so much easier to live our cozy lives here in the US and not think about such things. But, this is reality, and I am really struggling with my lack of interest/involvement. I mean, as a human being, shouldn’t I be concerned about this?

Congocast.org Episode 7 from Congocast.org on Vimeo.

Shea has started talking so much over the past couple of months. When I went to get him up from his nap the other day, he noticed I was wearing a new necklace and said, “Nite netee, Mom” (translation: “nice necklace, Mom”). I told him thanks and he tilted his head to the side, scrunched up his face and said, “Fee stow, Mom?” (translation: “free store, Mom”) Yes, even my two year old has become a big fan of the free store here on campus!

While I’m on the subject of a cute little 2 year old, let me just post this picture I took a few weeks ago. Oh, and by the way, he’s on a big boy bed now, sleeping on the bottom bunk below his brother.

He took EVERYTHING off of his little mattress on the floor and settled in this corner to sleep!

Tonight, on the way home from martial arts, Gage asked me what we were having for dinner. I told him grilled cheese, and his response was a surprised, “We haven’t had that for dinner in a long time!” We got home and I was making Ramen Noodles for myself while the boys’ grilled cheese cooked on the stove. Gage came into the kitchen and asked me what I was going to eat and his response to my answer was, “Mom, you really don’t have much of a dinner planned for tonight, do you?” I know what he meant, but as I type this out, it really does sound kind of rude. He didn’t mean it like that. He’s just accustomed to us eating dinner as a family, and with Jared making phone calls at night for his new job, our time to eat meals together has been cut drastically. And, we’ve eaten most everything out of our freezer, and I’m not real thrilled about going grocery shopping with the boys. So, what happens? I try to make it with what we’ve got, and make short, way overpriced little stops at the grocery store, as I wait for a time to go unhindered by the kids. Do you know I went to the grocery store yesterday and today, and in my attempts at not buying much b/c I’m waiting to go to Aldi, spent a total of $50? I could have filled my grocery cart for $50 at Aldi! And, we still had grilled cheese and Ramen Noodles for dinner! Something just doesn’t seem right about this. Groceries are way too expensive!

I know, random. But, I usually HATE the print on paper towels. I try to find plain white ones because the print just drives me crazy. I found these at Aldi, and they had other cool prints, too. Another reason for me to LOVE Aldi!

I love being at the park with my boys on a Fall day. And, I especially like the feel of a park in the middle of a city. Something about having a little piece of nature in an unexpected place appeals to me.

And, of course, Starbucks. Any time I can scrounge up enough change to drive through at Starbucks, I always feel a little more human. As Mandy says, “happiness in a cup”!

I turned 30 on October 26th! Our friend, Mandy came to town for a visit, so it was an extra special birthday for me. So, let me recap real quick. My birthday weekend went like this….

Friday night-Jared and I went on a date while Mandy babysat. AWESOME! We went to eat at Houlihan’s and used my free entree coupon. If you go to their website and register for e-mail (they don’t send things out often, either), then they send you a coupon on your b-day. Then, we went shopping together. That NEVER happens! We bought a new bag for myself with my birthday money and Jared was able to find some jeans that I’m really excited about. I can assure you that I won’t set foot into a store with my husband again in probably…….hmmm……..5 years or so. He’s not big on shopping. Then, we went to see “Why Did I Get Married”, which, by the way, I highly recommend.

On Saturday- Went to Montelle Winery in the afternoon, without the kids. It was wonderful! And, Jared cut his hair, too!

Oh, yeah, but let’s back up to Friday. I forgot to tell you that Mandy and I went to the mall. We had the kids with us, but we figured, what the heck, let’s look around. So, we did. I learned something very important. Please take my advice! DO NOT go into Charlotte Russe if you wear anything above a 6. An eight, maybe, but that’s pushing it. It was soooo ridiculous! They literally need to have a sign at the door warning people who are not stick skinny to move on to another store because it is just torture. I picked out so many cute shirts. I even found a pair of jeans on clearance for $7! I got to the dressing room, tried things on, and quickly realized that a Medium shirt is in reality an XS. And, a size 11 in jeans is really more like a 6. I even panicked at one point, because one of the shirts was stuck on my body, and it took all I had just to get it off. You know how it is when you find a shirt that you just like so much, and you just want to see what it will look like on, even if it is too small? I mean, it was not even over my arms before I knew it was too small. But, I just had to see how cute it could potentially be. Not a good idea! And, why did I need to see? Let me tell you, if you want to feel bad about yourself, go try on clothes at Charlotte Russe. The reality that I am no longer a teenager and not even a twenty-something really hit me in the dressing room, as my 8 year old son was going back and forth asking for bigger sizes. Yeah, it’s time to move on. Times have changed, but I’m fine with it. I really, really am.

So, as I’ve mentioned, Jared just got a new job doing web coaching via telephone at home.  I just watched him come out of his office with the cordless to his ear, walk to our bedroom, and come out in his pajama pants.  He also came out and gave me a kiss on the head.  Ahhh……the joys of working at home.  I promise I won’t blog about it if he decides to go use the toilet sometime while working from home!  Knowing Jared, it would not surprise me!

This past week turned out to be extremely difficult for me. Jared has taken on another job, with the plan to quit Bank of America. But, in this transition period, it just means that things are going to be hard. Before taking on this new job, he was already working 20 hours/week at BOA, plus taking 15 hours/week of classes. Then, you have to add the time he needs to study and write papers/sermons. Now, he has added to this already busy schedule about 16 hours/week. He’s a coach for a company who sells website packages, so he’s basically guiding his clients through a course (via phone) on how to utilize their websites. This meant that every minute (I’m really not exaggerating here) that he was home this week, whether it was in between classes or after class, or after work at the bank, he was on the phone working up until 8 or 9 at night. When you add all of the other trials we faced this week, it was almost too much to bear.

We received a letter from Social Services telling us that it makes no sense how we are paying our rent and not evicted yet, and so they want us to explain how we are doing it. I guess they think we’re lying in order to get food stamps or something. But, the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t make sense to us how we’re paying our bills, either! It just happens. God does it every month. And, just how do you explain that one to a government agency?

Shea was sick for most of the week (excluding Wed, so he was able to go to the Fall Festival at church), and having a sick little one is always tiring. I start getting cabin fever if I spend more than one day inside my house, so after day 2, it was NOT good!

Then, on Friday, I felt like I had been run over by a truck, after hearing the news that someone we know and greatly, greatly respect in ministry is beginning divorce proceedings. (by the way, the respect level has not changed, in case you’re wondering) I think that just did me in for the week. It is such a sobering reminder that we are all so fragile, and there is no guarantee in life. We are all so susceptible to attacks from the enemy, and I was reminded of that in a big way this week. I have to admit, that it scares me. It scares me to think of our future in ministry. I know all of the right answers, blah, blah, blah. Believe me, I know in my head the answers. But, that doesn’t change the fact that there are just times that I’m scared. Life is just so hard, and my heart is breaking for this family that is suffering so deeply. My prayer for this family is that the community of believers surrounding them will love well. Because, the fact of the matter is that sometimes instead of helping to carry burdens and heal deep wounds, we, yes, we, as in fellow believers, tear the wounds open and cause further damage. The kind of suffering this family is experiencing can happen to any of us.

I think it was on Thursday, that I really felt like I was going to lose it. I was at the end of my rope. That night, after Jared finished with his phone calls, we sat down and talked for what was probably the first time we had really talked all week. I told him how I was feeling, saying, “I just want people to understand how hard our life is right now.” “People just have no idea how hard this is.” You get the idea. Then, I started telling him that I’ve noticed that God doesn’t let me go very long before I hit points like this. There are differing degrees of difficulties in life, and most of them are bearable. But, every now and then, I am stretched so thin, that I know there is absolutely no way I can make it without Him. I just can’t do it. And, I know He sends these hard times like this past week just to remind me that I need Him. Otherwise, I would just cruise through life and barely think of the One who is sustaining me and breathing life into me every second.

We also talked about how ridiculous it is that we always think our life is the hardest. It seems that when I’m in the depth of despair, I don’t believe that anyone else in my life has it as hard as I do. I fully admit the selfishness in those thoughts. And, the day after talking about this, we got the news about the family going through a divorce. Hmmmm…somehow, I think they DO have it worse than me. Okay, God, I get it. I needed that reminder. Then, today, I ended up talking to a girl after church who’s husband is working 60 hours a week between 2 jobs. She has 4 kids! That’s hard. Okay, I’m really getting it now. There is always someone suffering even more deeply than I am. So, instead of wallowing in pity, maybe I should keep my eyes open for those suffering, and try to help them. But, God, my life is so HARD. I just don’t have time. I can barely take care of my own family. And, that is the problem, everyone. We’re ALL hurting in some way, and very few of us are taking care of each other because we’re so focused on our own difficulties. Okay, hopefully one day I’ll get it.

At the women’s conference I attended this weekend, Tara Barthel really challenged us to live out the gospel. I believe the gospel. I know it is true. But, I don’t live like I do. If I was living like I believed the gospel, I would constantly extend grace to the broken people around me. Extending grace means to give someone something they do not deserve. Christ suffered and died for us, while we were spitting in his face. That is grace. Not only did He save us from death, but He carries our burdens as we suffer in this mean world. More grace. Where would I be without the grace He continually extends to me?

Our church had a Fall Festival last night and the boys loved it.  I’ll have to write more in another post about how hard this past week has been and how it all fell apart even more today as Shea experienced his first bout with diarrhea.  I’m just too tired for all of that right now.  So, look at the pictures and imagine that life is beautiful for the Lee family!  It sure looks that way, as you can see…………..

Gage is so sweet with his brother.

Not sure what Gage is.  I don’t think he knows, either.  He just wanted to be able to show off the staff he’s been working on for the past week!

 

Notice the wrapper.  Fine with me!

Yes, I know I have more pictures of Shea.  It’s simply because he’s easier to keep up with!