The Pains of Life

This past week turned out to be extremely difficult for me. Jared has taken on another job, with the plan to quit Bank of America. But, in this transition period, it just means that things are going to be hard. Before taking on this new job, he was already working 20 hours/week at BOA, plus taking 15 hours/week of classes. Then, you have to add the time he needs to study and write papers/sermons. Now, he has added to this already busy schedule about 16 hours/week. He’s a coach for a company who sells website packages, so he’s basically guiding his clients through a course (via phone) on how to utilize their websites. This meant that every minute (I’m really not exaggerating here) that he was home this week, whether it was in between classes or after class, or after work at the bank, he was on the phone working up until 8 or 9 at night. When you add all of the other trials we faced this week, it was almost too much to bear.

We received a letter from Social Services telling us that it makes no sense how we are paying our rent and not evicted yet, and so they want us to explain how we are doing it. I guess they think we’re lying in order to get food stamps or something. But, the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t make sense to us how we’re paying our bills, either! It just happens. God does it every month. And, just how do you explain that one to a government agency?

Shea was sick for most of the week (excluding Wed, so he was able to go to the Fall Festival at church), and having a sick little one is always tiring. I start getting cabin fever if I spend more than one day inside my house, so after day 2, it was NOT good!

Then, on Friday, I felt like I had been run over by a truck, after hearing the news that someone we know and greatly, greatly respect in ministry is beginning divorce proceedings. (by the way, the respect level has not changed, in case you’re wondering) I think that just did me in for the week. It is such a sobering reminder that we are all so fragile, and there is no guarantee in life. We are all so susceptible to attacks from the enemy, and I was reminded of that in a big way this week. I have to admit, that it scares me. It scares me to think of our future in ministry. I know all of the right answers, blah, blah, blah. Believe me, I know in my head the answers. But, that doesn’t change the fact that there are just times that I’m scared. Life is just so hard, and my heart is breaking for this family that is suffering so deeply. My prayer for this family is that the community of believers surrounding them will love well. Because, the fact of the matter is that sometimes instead of helping to carry burdens and heal deep wounds, we, yes, we, as in fellow believers, tear the wounds open and cause further damage. The kind of suffering this family is experiencing can happen to any of us.

I think it was on Thursday, that I really felt like I was going to lose it. I was at the end of my rope. That night, after Jared finished with his phone calls, we sat down and talked for what was probably the first time we had really talked all week. I told him how I was feeling, saying, “I just want people to understand how hard our life is right now.” “People just have no idea how hard this is.” You get the idea. Then, I started telling him that I’ve noticed that God doesn’t let me go very long before I hit points like this. There are differing degrees of difficulties in life, and most of them are bearable. But, every now and then, I am stretched so thin, that I know there is absolutely no way I can make it without Him. I just can’t do it. And, I know He sends these hard times like this past week just to remind me that I need Him. Otherwise, I would just cruise through life and barely think of the One who is sustaining me and breathing life into me every second.

We also talked about how ridiculous it is that we always think our life is the hardest. It seems that when I’m in the depth of despair, I don’t believe that anyone else in my life has it as hard as I do. I fully admit the selfishness in those thoughts. And, the day after talking about this, we got the news about the family going through a divorce. Hmmmm…somehow, I think they DO have it worse than me. Okay, God, I get it. I needed that reminder. Then, today, I ended up talking to a girl after church who’s husband is working 60 hours a week between 2 jobs. She has 4 kids! That’s hard. Okay, I’m really getting it now. There is always someone suffering even more deeply than I am. So, instead of wallowing in pity, maybe I should keep my eyes open for those suffering, and try to help them. But, God, my life is so HARD. I just don’t have time. I can barely take care of my own family. And, that is the problem, everyone. We’re ALL hurting in some way, and very few of us are taking care of each other because we’re so focused on our own difficulties. Okay, hopefully one day I’ll get it.

At the women’s conference I attended this weekend, Tara Barthel really challenged us to live out the gospel. I believe the gospel. I know it is true. But, I don’t live like I do. If I was living like I believed the gospel, I would constantly extend grace to the broken people around me. Extending grace means to give someone something they do not deserve. Christ suffered and died for us, while we were spitting in his face. That is grace. Not only did He save us from death, but He carries our burdens as we suffer in this mean world. More grace. Where would I be without the grace He continually extends to me?