Over the Edge

I totally lost it today with the boys. I made it through letting them help me make pumpkin bread, and was really proud of myself for letting them help. I am not one of those moms who has a knack for working with their kids in the kitchen. I’d rather just do it myself, but I gave in this time because I knew it would make them happy. As I was getting some lunch together for us to take with us in the car, I started getting more and more frustrated as I listened to Gage and Shea bicker back and forth. Shea has decided he likes to aggravate his brother and Gage hasn’t yet learned how to ignore him and he is also extremely dramatic. So, it went on and on and on and on and on and on………… until I just snapped. I said, “You are both making me so mad right now that I just want to put you outside in the cold and leave you there!”

I knew as soon as I said it that I had gone over the line. But, I was too mad to apologize. And, of course, I rationalized it in my mind, because, they were in fact driving me crazy. A person can only take so much, right? I took Shea to the potty right after that and as I was helping him pull his pants down, he looked at me and said, “You mad, Mommy.” Once we were in the car and on our way, I asked Gage if he remembered what I had said, and of course, he did. I told him I was sorry, and that I didn’t mean what I had said. He said, “Well, Mom, you need to apologize to Shea, too.” I could tell he was really glad to catch me in the wrong, so I explained to him that I needed him to give me grace, just as I give him grace.

Something dawned on me the other day. I woke up, and this thought came into my mind. The day before, Gage had quickly come to the realization that he had treated me badly, and I was surprised at how fast he apologized. It suddenly dawned on me that the change in my behavior toward Gage was influencing his desire to ask for forgiveness. You see, I have had a major issue with telling my child that I am sorry. I have always been afraid to do it, because I was afraid that he would manipulate the situation. I’ve always known that it is the right thing to do, and when I hear other parents talk about how often they have to apologize to their children, I cringe and wonder why I never do it. So, a few weeks ago, I told Jared that I knew I was just going to have to take the risk, and start asking Gage for forgiveness when I screw up.  I have been amazed at the change I have seen taking place in our son.  Yes, it has meant me biting my tongue and saying “I’m sorry” even when I know he is sitting there thrilled that his mom just messed up again.  But, it has been more than worth it, and I wish so much I would have learned this lesson a long time ago.