August 27th
This date has caught my attention for the past 9 years, but today, it has seemed like a much bigger deal to me than before. For the past few years, when I hear or see August 27th, something is slightly awakened in me and I feel like the date is important. Sometimes it takes a couple of seconds to remember why the date stands out, and then I remember, with a quickening in my stomach. Today, it didn’t take as long. I remembered that it was coming a few days ago, made a mental note, and then forgot. I forgot until this evening, as I was sitting with my family in the living room. It’s then that I remembered that 10 years ago today, I married a guy I will call “D”. It’s so strange. I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions stirring around in me at the moment.
My husband just came and joined me in the living room, and to be honest, I’m a little angry at the fact that I am distracted from him with memories of the day I married a guy named “D”.
You know what’s amazing, though? Jared lets me embrace the memories. He doesn’t require me to stuff them away and hide them from view. He lets me talk, and he loves me the same as ever. He came out and turned the TV on. I told him I was blogging about this and that I really needed to be able to concentrate. I felt guilty even saying it, but he understood. I offered to get up and go in our room, but he said “no”. He told me to sit here and blog. He’s running to the store to get some wine. I told him I’m probably going to want a glass after I finish with this! So, where was I?
The emotions. Yes, I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions surrounding this 10 year mark. I think about all of the hurt that was brought on as a result of marrying “D” in ‘98. But, there was joy, too. I used to feel guilty about this, and still do to a degree. I feel guilty that I’ve experienced joy with anyone else as a husband. But, I can’t help that. There was joy when we went to YWAM Denver as newlyweds, and then to Pakistan on a mission trip. Joy when we saw God protects us in huge ways. Joy when we watched Him provide for all of our needs. Joy when Gage entered the world and we were able to see our son for the first time. Joy when we watched him take his first steps together.
There was pain, too. And, unfortunately, the pain started coming more and more often. The pain of watching the man I loved choose drugs over his family. The pain of waiting up all night, wondering where he is and how much money he has spent. The pain of thinking about my son’s future with a father who can not stay sober. The pain of having to hide the checkbook. The pain of waking in the morning to his confessions. The pain of visiting my husband at a rehab, wondering if he’ll make it this time. The pain of wondering when I will be able to trust him. The pain of watching my dreams and desires crash around me. So much pain. Pain that I never thought I would experience.
Remembering August 27th is sad in many ways. But, it also reminds me of all that God has restored and made right in my life. I have a husband who is steadfast. He loves God and wants to carry His hope and promises with him in this hurting world. He loves me unconditionally and serves me unendingly. He loves Gage as his own child and had all of the paperwork drawn up to adopt him before we were even married. He is a man who keeps his promises and I can trust him completely. God has provided far more for Gage and I than I could have ever even imagined.
I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact that if I had not married “D”, my life would not be as it is now. It seems that I made a mistake on August 27th, but in reality, I didn’t. My life was and is in God’s hands and He directed every step that I took.
Had I not married “D”, I would not have Gage. If Gage had not entered the world, I would not have been at East Carolina University in January of 2002 as a single-mom, full-time student. Had I not been at ECU, I would have not crossed paths with Jared, who was immediately drawn to MY CHILD. Let me stress that again. MY CHILD. He was drawn to my child, first. Not me. So, you see. It all had a purpose that I would have never in a million years been able to come up with on my own.
I wonder how it will feel when I hit the 15 year mark and then the 20 year mark? I don’t know, but I feel certain Jared will be right there beside me through it all. He’ll tell me it’s okay and that he loves me, scars and all. That is priceless.
Now, I’m going to go enjoy a glass of wine with my husband.
13 comments
Lyra,
Thank you for sharing you life so honestly. It is a great encouragement to many of us. In fact, all of us struggle with with remembering those before our current families; it is a universal struggle. I am so glad that Jared is secure enough to walk through it with you without feeling threatened by it…may we all be as fortunate!
I’m so glad that you and Jared met…I remember when we “crossed paths” at ECU, and I know how hard you were struggling back then. I’m so glad that your life has turned out the way that it has. Love you and miss you!
Thanks, Lyra. I needed a good cry today. That’s a beautiful story well told. The pain still exists, doesn’t it. guess it always will. But the joy overshadows the pain, just as Light overcomes darkness. Hmmm. I remember. I give thanks. And Jared will always be one of my heroes for it.
Mamaxx00
Thanks, Lyra. I love reading your heart.
Mary Ann
It s so easy to look at the things we do to change our lives so dramatically as mistakes, but God is so good and reminds us that He does not let anything happen to us that He does not already know the outcome! And it is good! I love you! I was talking to one of my friends the other day about how selfish I was to get you to come to ECU so I wouldnt have to livein a dorm, and I was reminded, “it was all part of God’s plan, even your selfishness because had you not been selfish, it all would have been different.” Now I know if it was God’s plan, it would have happened anyway, but see how He used selfishness for GOOD! He just makes me laugh an amazement.
On August 27, 1985, I married the man who I refer to now as slime. On August 22, 2007, the judge signed the divorce decree.
I have not had the chance to see it all for the good; I still wish I had acted differently, wish I had understood the signs of impending control and emotional abuse, wish I had left long long ago. Yes, I love my daughters and could not imagine life without them, but I still find a depth of sadness in me that I am responsible for them having this man as a father. I have no new love or true love to cradle my head and my heart, but I have my belief, still, that I am worthy of love and someone will find this needle in the haystack that is the world.
Thanks for receiving my honesty so well, everyone. It encourages me to keep sharing when I feel the need.
Dan- yes, I completely agree. It’s a universal issue, struggling to forget those we linked ourselves to before our spouses.
Emily- what the heck?! You little brat! I had no idea you wanted us to be roommates so that you wouldn’t have to stay in a dorm! How could I have been so naive?! You know I love you anyway! And, I am so, so thankful we were able to be roommates. I believe God used that time in our lives for a bigger purpose than we will probably ever be able to see.
Sarah- Wow, my life was quite crazy when I met you at ECU! I would love to hear what you remember about it. It’s all a big haze to me!
Mama- Some friends were looking at our wedding album last night and commented on how happy you looked. It was a happy day, indeed!
Mary Ann- Thank you. That means a lot.
Laura- I’m so glad you decided to leave a comment. I’m really curious to know how you came across my blog. I went over to your blog and have already subscribed. You are a talented writer and am really touched by your story. I’m so sorry things have been so hard for you. This life is just so difficult and I wish I had a quick-fix for you. I’ll be praying for you and keeping up with you on your blog. If you ever want to “talk”, feel free to contact me via e-mail: lyrahlee (at) yahoo (dot) com.
Lyra,
You are such a great blessing to Jared, and your family and friends. I love to see how God had a plan for you both, you guys have a phenomenal testimony. God all along had planned your family to be together. Love and prayers dear sister!
Thanks, Beth. It is a neat thing to be on the other side of such chaos and see the way God was leading the whole time.
It’s good to hear from you! I hope to catch up with you sometime soon!
Ha! It was definitely non-stop for you, my dear, but you always found time for Gage, studying, and even hanging out with new friends. I cherish our friendship (now and then) and I miss you beyond words! You were an inspiration to me…on days that I was feeling sorry for myself that Sam was so far away, I looked at you and your strength, and it put things in perspective. You are a survivor, and I am proud to be your friend!! I love you!
Lyra, thank you for sharing your story and your heart.
You know…I like what you have written. It made me a little teary eyed. Lyra, you were so strong and at peace through those trying times. You may have been frustrated, and dissapointed, but you were never weak. No matter how bad things went…you never doubted the Power of GOD. You never doubted the plan HE had(s) for you and for Gage.
Just so you would know.. it was the times that you remember as painful, that I remember your strength.
You are a su-viv-ah..grill!
Thanks, Mandy. I can still look back at that time in my life and know without a doubt that God gave me the strength you saw. He was glorified in the midst of absolute chaos and suffering, and I am so thankful for that. It was a rough time, and you would know, wouldn’t you? I’m also thankful that I had you as a friend to help me through. If we had known in preschool how hard this life was going to be, I think we would have hidden under a rock or something! Love you, Mandy!
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