Category — Addiction

I’ve been kind of quiet on my blog lately, but have blogged plenty of posts in my head over the past week or so.  I guess it’s time to put something down on “paper”, so I’ll do it in the form of a rambling update.

~Life has been extremely hectic around here lately.  Jared is in crunch time for school, and that always makes things fun.  Actually, it makes me feel like pulling my hair out and screaming.  But, we’re making it through.

~I’m officially into the second trimester of pregnancy.  This is especially comforting, considering the scare we had a couple of months ago.  I really, really need to get back into my swim routine at the Y.  My most recent excuse has been that I need to shave my legs, and therefore I can’t go.  I do not like to shave during the winter, or when I’m pregnant, so it’s a pretty sad combination right now.  I did break out the razor tonight, so no more excuses for now.  It’s pretty sad when it takes 10 minutes to shave ONE leg.  So, so sad.  Thankfully, Jared doesn’t mind.  At least, that’s what he says.

~A couple of weeks ago, I was 99.9% sure that we were going to put Gage into public school in January.  It was going to be a little experiment to see how he would do and to give me a much needed break until I picked up homeschooling again after our move this summer.  I was feeling extremely overwhelmed because it had become more and more obvious over this past semester that the way we do school around here was going to have to change drastically.  I was not feeling like I had it in me to make the changes necessary.  After talking to Gage about it, my mind changed.  He wants to be homeschooled and became tearful when we told him about our thoughts.  He is so tenderhearted, and so my heart quickly melted and I somehow felt the strength once again to plug through this.  We implemented some major changes the next week, allowing him to start school on his own (he began at 6:30 every day!), and things have gone really well so far.

~Many of you know that we seem to have skipped the “terrible two’s” with our 3 year old Shea.  He has always been so easy and sweet.  Very compliant and easy to handle.  Lately, he has learned how to throw tantrums and how to demand things from his big brother.  Apparently, he is just a late bloomer in this area.  He’s still oh so sweet.  But, he is a NORMAL 3 year old, without a doubt.

~On a heavier note, Gage began asking detailed questions about his biological father a few nights ago.  In the past, his questions have been very brief and the mood light.  He has quickly moved on to other things.  This time, it felt heavy and difficult.  It became an hour long conversation and the questions were detailed.  It just seems too heavy for a 9 year old’s heart, and yet he asked, and we felt we had to answer honestly.    It broke my heart, but also filled me with joy as I was able to tell him of God’s protection over him.  He was able to hear, once again, of how his Daddy entered his life when he was 2 years old and chose to be his father.  Jared was able to tell him of going to the courthouse to get a new birth certificate because  “I chose to be your Daddy and will always be your Daddy.”  It was heart wrenching to see my son sad over the fact that his biological father lost so much.  My prayer is that as he grows older, Gage will be able to see the way God protected him and hand-picked a Daddy for him.  I would also be so bold as to pray that he will one day meet his biological father (years from now) and that he will be a changed man, delivered from an addiction that stole so much from him.  I told Gage to pray for “the man that used to be his Dad”, and I believe he will.

~I’m beginning to understand why I have been so tired lately.  Phew! I need to go to bed now.  Oh, yeah.  First I have to get Gage’s folder ready so that he can start school as the sun rises.  The kid is crazy, if you ask me.  But, it’s working, so I’m going with it.

This date has caught my attention for the past 9 years, but today, it has seemed like a much bigger deal to me than before.  For the past few years, when I hear or see August 27th, something is slightly awakened in me and I feel like the date is important.  Sometimes it takes a couple of seconds to remember why the date stands out, and then I remember, with a quickening in my stomach.  Today, it didn’t take as long.  I remembered that it was coming a few days ago, made a mental note, and then forgot.  I forgot until this evening, as I was sitting with my family in the living room.  It’s then that I remembered that 10 years ago today, I married a guy named Dylan. It’s so strange.  I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions stirring around in me at the moment.

My husband just came and joined me in the living room, and to be honest, I’m a little angry at the fact that I am distracted from him with memories of the day I married a guy named Dylan.

You know what’s amazing, though?  Jared lets me embrace the memories.  He doesn’t require me to stuff them away and hide them from view.  He lets me talk, and he loves me the same as ever.  He came out and turned the TV on.  I told him I was blogging about this and that I really needed to be able to concentrate.  I felt guilty even saying it, but he understood.  I offered to get up and go in our room, but he said “no”.  He told me to sit here and blog.  He’s running to the store to get some wine.  I told him I’m probably going to want a glass after I finish with this! So, where was I?

The emotions.  Yes, I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions surrounding this 10 year mark.  I think about all of the hurt that was brought on as a result of marrying Dylan in ‘98.  But, there was joy, too.  I used to feel guilty about this, and still do to a degree.  I feel guilty that I’ve experienced joy with anyone else as a husband.  But, I can’t help that.  There was joy when we went to YWAM Denver as newlyweds, and then to Pakistan on a mission trip.  Joy when we saw God protects us in huge ways.  Joy when we watched Him provide for all of our needs.  Joy when Gage entered the world and we were able to see our son for the first time.  Joy when we watched him take his first steps together.

There was pain, too.  And, unfortunately, the pain started coming more and more often.  The pain of watching the man I loved choose drugs over his family.  The pain of waiting up all night, wondering where he is and how much money he has spent.  The pain of thinking about my son’s future with a father who can not stay sober.  The pain of having to hide the checkbook.  The pain of waking in the morning to his confessions.  The pain of visiting my husband at a rehab, wondering if he’ll make it this time.  The pain of wondering when I will be able to trust him.  The pain of watching my dreams and desires crash around me.  So much pain.  Pain that I never thought I would experience.

Remembering August 27th is sad in many ways.  But, it also reminds me of all that God has restored and made right in my life.  I have a husband who is steadfast.  He loves God and wants to carry His hope and promises with him in this hurting world.  He loves me unconditionally and serves me unendingly.  He loves Gage as his own child and had all of the paperwork drawn up to adopt him before we were even married.  He is a man who keeps his promises and I can trust him completely.  God has provided far more for Gage and I than I could have ever even imagined.

I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact that if I had not married Dylan, my life would not be as it is now.  It seems that I made a mistake on August 27th, but in reality, I didn’t.  My life was and is in God’s hands and He directed every step that I took.

Had I not married Dylan, I would not have Gage.  If Gage had not entered the world, I would not have been at East Carolina University in January of 2002 as a single-mom, full-time student.  Had I not been at ECU, I would have not crossed paths with Jared, who was immediately drawn to MY CHILD.  Let me stress that again.  MY CHILD.  He was drawn to my child, first.  Not me.  So, you see.  It all had a purpose that I would have never in a million years been able to come up with on my own.

I wonder how it will feel when I hit the 15 year mark and then the 20 year mark?  I don’t know, but I feel certain Jared will be right there beside me through it all.  He’ll tell me it’s okay and that he loves me, scars and all.  That is priceless.

Now, I’m going to go enjoy a glass of wine with my husband.