Category — Brokenness

I’ve been kind of quiet on my blog lately, but have blogged plenty of posts in my head over the past week or so.  I guess it’s time to put something down on “paper”, so I’ll do it in the form of a rambling update.

~Life has been extremely hectic around here lately.  Jared is in crunch time for school, and that always makes things fun.  Actually, it makes me feel like pulling my hair out and screaming.  But, we’re making it through.

~I’m officially into the second trimester of pregnancy.  This is especially comforting, considering the scare we had a couple of months ago.  I really, really need to get back into my swim routine at the Y.  My most recent excuse has been that I need to shave my legs, and therefore I can’t go.  I do not like to shave during the winter, or when I’m pregnant, so it’s a pretty sad combination right now.  I did break out the razor tonight, so no more excuses for now.  It’s pretty sad when it takes 10 minutes to shave ONE leg.  So, so sad.  Thankfully, Jared doesn’t mind.  At least, that’s what he says.

~A couple of weeks ago, I was 99.9% sure that we were going to put Gage into public school in January.  It was going to be a little experiment to see how he would do and to give me a much needed break until I picked up homeschooling again after our move this summer.  I was feeling extremely overwhelmed because it had become more and more obvious over this past semester that the way we do school around here was going to have to change drastically.  I was not feeling like I had it in me to make the changes necessary.  After talking to Gage about it, my mind changed.  He wants to be homeschooled and became tearful when we told him about our thoughts.  He is so tenderhearted, and so my heart quickly melted and I somehow felt the strength once again to plug through this.  We implemented some major changes the next week, allowing him to start school on his own (he began at 6:30 every day!), and things have gone really well so far.

~Many of you know that we seem to have skipped the “terrible two’s” with our 3 year old Shea.  He has always been so easy and sweet.  Very compliant and easy to handle.  Lately, he has learned how to throw tantrums and how to demand things from his big brother.  Apparently, he is just a late bloomer in this area.  He’s still oh so sweet.  But, he is a NORMAL 3 year old, without a doubt.

~On a heavier note, Gage began asking detailed questions about his biological father a few nights ago.  In the past, his questions have been very brief and the mood light.  He has quickly moved on to other things.  This time, it felt heavy and difficult.  It became an hour long conversation and the questions were detailed.  It just seems too heavy for a 9 year old’s heart, and yet he asked, and we felt we had to answer honestly.    It broke my heart, but also filled me with joy as I was able to tell him of God’s protection over him.  He was able to hear, once again, of how his Daddy entered his life when he was 2 years old and chose to be his father.  Jared was able to tell him of going to the courthouse to get a new birth certificate because  “I chose to be your Daddy and will always be your Daddy.”  It was heart wrenching to see my son sad over the fact that his biological father lost so much.  My prayer is that as he grows older, Gage will be able to see the way God protected him and hand-picked a Daddy for him.  I would also be so bold as to pray that he will one day meet his biological father (years from now) and that he will be a changed man, delivered from an addiction that stole so much from him.  I told Gage to pray for “the man that used to be his Dad”, and I believe he will.

~I’m beginning to understand why I have been so tired lately.  Phew! I need to go to bed now.  Oh, yeah.  First I have to get Gage’s folder ready so that he can start school as the sun rises.  The kid is crazy, if you ask me.  But, it’s working, so I’m going with it.

This date has caught my attention for the past 9 years, but today, it has seemed like a much bigger deal to me than before.  For the past few years, when I hear or see August 27th, something is slightly awakened in me and I feel like the date is important.  Sometimes it takes a couple of seconds to remember why the date stands out, and then I remember, with a quickening in my stomach.  Today, it didn’t take as long.  I remembered that it was coming a few days ago, made a mental note, and then forgot.  I forgot until this evening, as I was sitting with my family in the living room.  It’s then that I remembered that 10 years ago today, I married a guy named Dylan. It’s so strange.  I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions stirring around in me at the moment.

My husband just came and joined me in the living room, and to be honest, I’m a little angry at the fact that I am distracted from him with memories of the day I married a guy named Dylan.

You know what’s amazing, though?  Jared lets me embrace the memories.  He doesn’t require me to stuff them away and hide them from view.  He lets me talk, and he loves me the same as ever.  He came out and turned the TV on.  I told him I was blogging about this and that I really needed to be able to concentrate.  I felt guilty even saying it, but he understood.  I offered to get up and go in our room, but he said “no”.  He told me to sit here and blog.  He’s running to the store to get some wine.  I told him I’m probably going to want a glass after I finish with this! So, where was I?

The emotions.  Yes, I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions surrounding this 10 year mark.  I think about all of the hurt that was brought on as a result of marrying Dylan in ‘98.  But, there was joy, too.  I used to feel guilty about this, and still do to a degree.  I feel guilty that I’ve experienced joy with anyone else as a husband.  But, I can’t help that.  There was joy when we went to YWAM Denver as newlyweds, and then to Pakistan on a mission trip.  Joy when we saw God protects us in huge ways.  Joy when we watched Him provide for all of our needs.  Joy when Gage entered the world and we were able to see our son for the first time.  Joy when we watched him take his first steps together.

There was pain, too.  And, unfortunately, the pain started coming more and more often.  The pain of watching the man I loved choose drugs over his family.  The pain of waiting up all night, wondering where he is and how much money he has spent.  The pain of thinking about my son’s future with a father who can not stay sober.  The pain of having to hide the checkbook.  The pain of waking in the morning to his confessions.  The pain of visiting my husband at a rehab, wondering if he’ll make it this time.  The pain of wondering when I will be able to trust him.  The pain of watching my dreams and desires crash around me.  So much pain.  Pain that I never thought I would experience.

Remembering August 27th is sad in many ways.  But, it also reminds me of all that God has restored and made right in my life.  I have a husband who is steadfast.  He loves God and wants to carry His hope and promises with him in this hurting world.  He loves me unconditionally and serves me unendingly.  He loves Gage as his own child and had all of the paperwork drawn up to adopt him before we were even married.  He is a man who keeps his promises and I can trust him completely.  God has provided far more for Gage and I than I could have ever even imagined.

I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact that if I had not married Dylan, my life would not be as it is now.  It seems that I made a mistake on August 27th, but in reality, I didn’t.  My life was and is in God’s hands and He directed every step that I took.

Had I not married Dylan, I would not have Gage.  If Gage had not entered the world, I would not have been at East Carolina University in January of 2002 as a single-mom, full-time student.  Had I not been at ECU, I would have not crossed paths with Jared, who was immediately drawn to MY CHILD.  Let me stress that again.  MY CHILD.  He was drawn to my child, first.  Not me.  So, you see.  It all had a purpose that I would have never in a million years been able to come up with on my own.

I wonder how it will feel when I hit the 15 year mark and then the 20 year mark?  I don’t know, but I feel certain Jared will be right there beside me through it all.  He’ll tell me it’s okay and that he loves me, scars and all.  That is priceless.

Now, I’m going to go enjoy a glass of wine with my husband.

That’s what came out of my mouth last night as I tried to pick friends up from the airport.  (and, by the way, I was by myself, kids not present!) I am telling you, I am horrified at the filth that rolled off of my tongue.  You see, I am very familiar with STL airport because we frequently pick up our friend Mandy.  There is a 5 minute pick up area, with parallel slots alloted for those doing a quick pick-up.  I waited my turn, passing by a few cars who were already sitting in their spots.  I pulled into a parking space and began scouring the crowd, looking for Matt and Emily.  Within seconds, I heard banging on my driver’s side window, inches from my head.  As I turned around, there was a witch employee waving her hand, telling me I had to move on.  I rolled my window down and said, “Excuse me?”  She continued to motion with her hand, very dramatically, telling me to move on.  I looked behind me and saw that ALL of the cars I had just passed sitting, waiting their 5 minutes, were STILL sitting there.  What the heck?!  So, I responded, “Why don’t I get my 5 minutes?  These other cars are getting their turn. “  She continued to say, very rudely, I might add, “Ma’am go around.  You have to keep moving.”  My voice raised an octave and I said, again, “I don’t understand!  Why don’t I get the same 5 minutes these people behind me are getting?”  At that point, she lifted her walkie-talkie up to her mouth and said, “I need PD down here to 5 minute pick-up.”  What?!  She’s calling the police on me?!  By that point, I was boiling point mad.  I continued to sit there, looking over my shoulder through the rear windows of my van to see if I could spot Matt and Emily.  Still, no sign of them.  The witch then informed me (as if I didn’t hear her call them) that the Police were on their way.  I’m telling you, the hatred welling up inside of me toward this woman was so intense I could have spit in her face.  I managed to tame my words and spit out, very hatefully, “You people are jerks!”, as I rolled my window up and proceeded on to circle around.

I picked up the cell phone and called Jared, asking him to check on the flight status.  By this time, 30 minutes had passed since they had landed and I figured they were waiting for me somewhere other than 5 minute pick-up.  Now, I say that I asked Jared to check their flight status, but that was only after I informed him of the witch I had just dealt with.  And, my informing was more like yelling and cussing every other word.  I think I can safely say that Jared has never heard such filth come out of my mouth.  Yes, he’s heard filth come out of this mouth, but it is highly unlikely he has ever heard that much filth at once from me.  I think I should have been a hard-core marine or something.

Am I proud of the way I acted?  No way.  I’m actually pretty horrified.  It scares me that I can actually feel hatred like I felt last night toward anyone.  But, it’s also a really great reminder for me.  I am reminded of the fact that I really do need a Savior and that I’d be a wreck without Him.  I am so thankful that I don’t have to curl up in a ball and beat myself up over this.  It’s not about trying to fix it and make myself do better.  Do I repent?  Of course.  But, I can know that this has already been taken care of.  It happened on the cross and it’s not about what I do, it’s about what is already done for me.

Through the absolute filth that came out of my mouth (and heart, I might add) last night, I am reminded that I have a Savior who paid my penalty.  I am looking forward to the day when I can meet Him face to face and somehow express my gratitude.

In case you’ve forgotten, take a look at this. Two girls from my sister’s church in NC spent a year in the Democratic Republic of Congo. The atrocities happening there leave me speechless. It’s so much easier to live our cozy lives here in the US and not think about such things. But, this is reality, and I am really struggling with my lack of interest/involvement. I mean, as a human being, shouldn’t I be concerned about this?

Congocast.org Episode 7 from Congocast.org on Vimeo.

This past week turned out to be extremely difficult for me. Jared has taken on another job, with the plan to quit Bank of America. But, in this transition period, it just means that things are going to be hard. Before taking on this new job, he was already working 20 hours/week at BOA, plus taking 15 hours/week of classes. Then, you have to add the time he needs to study and write papers/sermons. Now, he has added to this already busy schedule about 16 hours/week. He’s a coach for a company who sells website packages, so he’s basically guiding his clients through a course (via phone) on how to utilize their websites. This meant that every minute (I’m really not exaggerating here) that he was home this week, whether it was in between classes or after class, or after work at the bank, he was on the phone working up until 8 or 9 at night. When you add all of the other trials we faced this week, it was almost too much to bear.

We received a letter from Social Services telling us that it makes no sense how we are paying our rent and not evicted yet, and so they want us to explain how we are doing it. I guess they think we’re lying in order to get food stamps or something. But, the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t make sense to us how we’re paying our bills, either! It just happens. God does it every month. And, just how do you explain that one to a government agency?

Shea was sick for most of the week (excluding Wed, so he was able to go to the Fall Festival at church), and having a sick little one is always tiring. I start getting cabin fever if I spend more than one day inside my house, so after day 2, it was NOT good!

Then, on Friday, I felt like I had been run over by a truck, after hearing the news that someone we know and greatly, greatly respect in ministry is beginning divorce proceedings. (by the way, the respect level has not changed, in case you’re wondering) I think that just did me in for the week. It is such a sobering reminder that we are all so fragile, and there is no guarantee in life. We are all so susceptible to attacks from the enemy, and I was reminded of that in a big way this week. I have to admit, that it scares me. It scares me to think of our future in ministry. I know all of the right answers, blah, blah, blah. Believe me, I know in my head the answers. But, that doesn’t change the fact that there are just times that I’m scared. Life is just so hard, and my heart is breaking for this family that is suffering so deeply. My prayer for this family is that the community of believers surrounding them will love well. Because, the fact of the matter is that sometimes instead of helping to carry burdens and heal deep wounds, we, yes, we, as in fellow believers, tear the wounds open and cause further damage. The kind of suffering this family is experiencing can happen to any of us.

I think it was on Thursday, that I really felt like I was going to lose it. I was at the end of my rope. That night, after Jared finished with his phone calls, we sat down and talked for what was probably the first time we had really talked all week. I told him how I was feeling, saying, “I just want people to understand how hard our life is right now.” “People just have no idea how hard this is.” You get the idea. Then, I started telling him that I’ve noticed that God doesn’t let me go very long before I hit points like this. There are differing degrees of difficulties in life, and most of them are bearable. But, every now and then, I am stretched so thin, that I know there is absolutely no way I can make it without Him. I just can’t do it. And, I know He sends these hard times like this past week just to remind me that I need Him. Otherwise, I would just cruise through life and barely think of the One who is sustaining me and breathing life into me every second.

We also talked about how ridiculous it is that we always think our life is the hardest. It seems that when I’m in the depth of despair, I don’t believe that anyone else in my life has it as hard as I do. I fully admit the selfishness in those thoughts. And, the day after talking about this, we got the news about the family going through a divorce. Hmmmm…somehow, I think they DO have it worse than me. Okay, God, I get it. I needed that reminder. Then, today, I ended up talking to a girl after church who’s husband is working 60 hours a week between 2 jobs. She has 4 kids! That’s hard. Okay, I’m really getting it now. There is always someone suffering even more deeply than I am. So, instead of wallowing in pity, maybe I should keep my eyes open for those suffering, and try to help them. But, God, my life is so HARD. I just don’t have time. I can barely take care of my own family. And, that is the problem, everyone. We’re ALL hurting in some way, and very few of us are taking care of each other because we’re so focused on our own difficulties. Okay, hopefully one day I’ll get it.

At the women’s conference I attended this weekend, Tara Barthel really challenged us to live out the gospel. I believe the gospel. I know it is true. But, I don’t live like I do. If I was living like I believed the gospel, I would constantly extend grace to the broken people around me. Extending grace means to give someone something they do not deserve. Christ suffered and died for us, while we were spitting in his face. That is grace. Not only did He save us from death, but He carries our burdens as we suffer in this mean world. More grace. Where would I be without the grace He continually extends to me?

I’ve been reading this blog for the past month or so. It’s a mom who is grieving over the loss of her newborn baby girl. She writes so eloquently, and you won’t be sorry if you take a few moments to read her latest post. In fact, you won’t be sorry if you spend a few minutes reading her previous posts. She has no idea who I am, or that I am even touched by her words. But, every time I read her words, I am brought to tears. Here’s the link:

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/2007/10/thoughts-on-today.html

The title of this post makes no sense to you right now. But, after I recap my day, it will, I promise. This life we’re living here at seminary can get tough sometimes, and it always seems to hit us at once. A few days ago, I was out riding my bike with Shea. As I was riding, God was speaking to me through an analogy, as He often does. We started out and it was so easy. I was barely having to pedal, the wind was blowing in my face, and we were gaining speed. As I was enjoying this easy ride, I started thinking about the fact that on the way back we would be going uphill. I was already thinking about how hard things would soon become. As we came back and I began pedaling up the hill I had so easily come down before, I came to a point (well, a few points) where I just HAD to stop and breathe. Everything in me wanted to just keep going because I could see the top and I wanted to get there, where I knew it would be so much easier. But, I couldn’t until I stopped and rested for a minute, taking a drink from my water bottle. After a few short rests here and there, I was able to make it to the top. But, to get there, I had to stop and rest, and drink my water. Hmmmm. Does this sound familiar? I cannot make it through the hard times without refreshment from the Lord. And, while I’m struggling to make it through, many times I don’t want to stop and take the time for Him. Most of the time, He just moves in on me and makes me stop and see Him. But, when I do take the time, I’m never disappointed and I am always given a ray of hope. So, with all that said, I’ll move on. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of using this blog entry as I would a journal tonight. I know it may end up being long, but we’ll just see where this goes.

This past week has not been an easy one. Shea started throwing up last Tuesday and he hasn’t really been right since. He’s very whiny and he keeps saying, “It hurts.” No fever, just very whiny and this is not like my child. I think it is really starting to drive me crazy. He’s supposed to be happy and I’m not used to this. We’ve been waiting on our rent money, not knowing where it will come from, all week, and that is never pleasant. In the midst of this, Gage’s crocs were taken from our front door during a “sweep” of campus, and we are supposed to pay $25 to get them out of “toy jail”. Things have just been tough, and Jared is consumed with schoolwork right now, so that means very little free time for me. Well, I snapped today.

Our plans for today were to do some school in the morning, put Shea down for his nap around 12, and then leave for Frontier Club at 1:30. We (the kids and I) were going to take our bikes with us and go bike riding after the meeting on a neat trail I’ve heard about. Well, it all fell apart because Shea refused to go to sleep and at 12:40 I had not had a shower, lunch had not been eaten, and SHEA WAS NOT TAKING HIS NAP! I was getting really angry because my plans were not working out and I just wanted to do something outside and enjoy the weather. On top of it all, Gage was also being very emotional and started crying because he couldn’t get his domino set-up to work right. I asked him to clean up a mess that was on the floor, as Shea was whining at the refrigerator and I was trying to make lunch. I looked over (after telling him to “please hurry” 3 times) and he was lying on the floor with his arm stretched out trying to reach a block, but he was in no hurry, and the fact that he was lying on the floor acting so lazy really made me mad. So, I yelled at him, told him that he didn’t need to worry about picking the mess up because I was just going to do it and sent him to his room. As soon as he left the room, I took my flip-flops off my feet and threw one into the kitchen, where it hit the refrigerator, and the other against the door. I proceeded to get the things done that I had to do, and made the decision that we were going NOWHERE. I knew that I just couldn’t do it. I was past my breaking point. I did go into Gage’s room once I cooled off and apologized for losing my temper. I explained that I was taking responsibility for my sin and that I hoped that he would take responsibility for his own, but that I couldn’t make him. I’ve noticed that I really do throw things and kick things when I’m really, really angry. But, I always do it when no one is looking. Yes, I do have an anger problem, but I guess I just hide it. So, now I’m confessing it to the whole world. I throw things when I’m mad. When I was pregnant with Shea, I walked out on the back porch in absolute anger and kicked the wall in with my new Dansko clogs. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it was a really old house and the walls were thin. And, in Illinois, the wintertime is really depressing, and I’m pretty sure it was winter. Okay, I’m done confessing now.

Now let me tell you the really great things that happened today.  11:59 tonight is the deadline to pay our rent. My friend, Emily, who works at Covenant, e-mailed me today to inform me that someone had anonymously deposited $150 in our student account to be used toward our rent. After this deposit, we were in need of $502. I knew the numbers were going to be tight, but this is just crazy! I logged into our bank account, and our balance was $506. So, I can go to bed tonight knowing that our rent is paid in full. We have gas in the car and food in the fridge, so all is well. After my little tantrum today, I e-mailed Jared and told him I was losing it and that we needed to talk about when I can have some time on my own. He is so sweet and always wants to do everything he can do to make things easier for me. So, he arranged for us to have a babysitter tomorrow night so that we can go out on a date. And, I went out by myself for about 45 minutes after dinner and came home to a quiet(boys were in bed), clean house, with candles burning and soft music playing. We’re going to make it up this hill. I’ve just got to stop and remember to take a drink of water.

My heart is aching for someone I love very much. Her dreams came crashing around her today and I just want to fix it. I know the pain of shattered dreams and I know deeply the pain she has already suffered because when her heart hurts, mine hurts with her. Life is so hard. I’ve walked around in a fog all day, not only troubled by her pain, but also by the pain in my own life. I’m overwhelmed and for half of the day just wanted to curl up in a ball and forget that I exist. Jared and I were (and still are) in the midst of an intense disagreement. One of those situations where you both feel you are right and there is not anything else that can be said. I laid on the couch and cried as the lies of the enemy flooded my head. “He doesn’t love you. If he loved you, he wouldn’t let you cry like that.” I fought the thoughts away, because I know they are not true. And, guess what happened next? Jared gladly went to Chick-Fil-A to get dinner so that I wouldn’t have to cook. I am amazed and humbled that this man serves me as he does, even in the midst of conflict. What a gift. Later, while Jared was out helping a friend, I spotted a song I had torn out of our church bulletin on the kitchen counter (”All Creatures of Our God and King”) and I felt the Lord say, “Lyra, just sing praises to me.” So, I sat on my kitchen floor and sang as my boys argued over a blanket in the living room. I just ignored it and sang louder. Wow. It was so good for me. He knew what I needed. Here are the verses that really jumped out at me:

“All ye men of tender heart

Forgiving others take your part

O Sing Ye! Alleluia!

Ye who long pain and sorrow bear

Praise God and on Him cast your care.

Oh praise Him! Oh praise Him!

Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

Well, I kind of knew this day would come. I haven’t really felt that raw pain of healing since starting this blog, but, today I am. When Jared and I moved here a year ago, I started feeling the Lord stir my insides and I knew there was a lot of pain there that He intended to heal. It’s amazing how we can stuff it down and not even be aware of such hurt living right under the surface. So, the tears began flowing and I began to know that my Redeemer was going to heal me in a BIG way. It really is a painful process. But, what has amazed me is that He cares for me in such a tender way. He gives me just what I can handle. Last fall (our first semester here), I was walking through an intense time in counseling and felt very overwhelmed. Just when I needed a break, He gave it to me. During that time, I was able to begin processing all that He had already shown me in the short time I had been in counseling here at Covenant. (a great, free service to students!) He also began blessing us in a big way this past semester with close friends that I know will follow us past our time here. It’s been a nice break.

Now, He’s stirring me up again, and I feel the pain once more. The realization that I have put walls up in a big way with my husband is overwhelming. It hurts me to know that at some point something snapped in me and I withdrew from him. Jared and I ended up talking, crying, and praying through this a couple of nights ago and I think what causes me the most pain is knowing that there are men in my past who I have given more of myself to than him. That’s just not the way it is supposed to be, and yet it is. Jared deserves so much better than that. All of this is not new to me. It came up throughout counseling and I’ve known it is there. I just have a huge sense of God moving in our midst and redeeming something that is so broken. This is all part of His plan for us. And, I am so thankful for his tender care and mercy.

During a very hard time in my life, preceding my divorce in 2001 (yes, there’s quite a past there), I was so desperately crying out to the Lord. He very clearly told me that He was going to fill my book with new pages. It’s turning out to be quite a book!

I realize that this is the most vulnerable I have made myself since joining this little “blog world”. I guess I feel inspired to share with the world the work of redemption that is transpiring right before my eyes. God has taken someone broken and shattered to pieces and is slowly piecing her back together again. Mine is just one story out of a zillion.