Category — Learning

Lately, I’ve felt frustrated because I live in a bubble here on seminary campus.  All of us are pretty much on the same page, and I guess that gets old for me after a while.  I like to live among a variety of people with varying belief systems, and that just hasn’t been the case for me these past couple of years.

Don’t get me wrong, I cherish fellowship with close friends who hold to the same beliefs and are living crazy lives right along with us.  But, I also find a depth and a richness to life when I am surrounded by a variety of people.

Back in ‘99, after being at YWAM for 6 months, I began itching to get back into the real world.  I suppose after 2 years of living on a seminary campus, it would be normal for me to start feeling the itch again.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble when it comes to the blogosphere, too.  Most of my readers are fellow seminary friends, and most of the blogs I read belong to people in the same phase of life as myself.

This past week, I was really encouraged by discovering someone I have never met, who is in a totally different phase of life than my own, came across my blog post entitled “August 27th” and found a little slice of hope.  I was so excited to see that my blog could be relevant to someone outside of this little bubble I live in. Go check out Liz’s blog.  I’ll be following her little piece of the blogosphere, and you should, too!

Click above and check this out.  I LOVE it!

Jared spent yesterday afternoon with the boys and I went to Panera to brainstorm ideas for school with Gage next year. I know this man loves me because he agreed to go to the parent program at VBS with Gage (and Shea) while I did my own thing. I’m sure he was one of the few Dads present. Anyway, I went to Panera, ate lunch, and then read from the most valuable book on my bookshelf, “The Edison Trait”.

This book, written by a psychologist named Lucy Jo Palladino has been an absolute life-saver for me. I found it a couple of years ago and it has encouraged me and given me fresh ideas in schooling Gage like no other book I’ve found. The reason for this is because the child she describes in the book is our child. For years, Gage and I have struggled, and this book explains it all. He is a divergent thinker. He thinks outside of the box.

I actually consider both Jared and I to be divergent thinkers, so you’d think that raising a divergent thinker wouldn’t be so challenging. We are constantly re-evaluating and coming up with new ideas to make things easier on all of us. I guess that’s where our divergent thinking comes in handy. Gage and I would have killed each other by now if I were not able to think outside of the box!

Here’s what the author says about the Edison trait:

“All children are imaginative and enjoy make-believe, but children who have the Edison trait live even closer to their imaginations. It is their lifeblood.”

“When the Edison trait child is intrinsically motivated, he has formidable mental power. If he is working on a project that is his own brainstorm, he is determined, tenacious, and persevering. As if by magic, he can work for hours involved in what he is doing. He finds ways to overcome barriers; his passion sees him through.” This is Gage in a nutshell. When he wants to get something done, he will find a way. I admire this.

According to the author there are different classifications of Edison trait children, and Gage most definitely fits into the the “dynamo” and “discoverer” categories. Here are some quotes about the “dynamo” and “discoverer”:

“Dynamos need new forms of stimulation at a fairly rapid rate. This can rattle the parent who wants to see his child make a commitment and stay with it.”

“The distinguishing feature of the dynamo is his boundless physical energy. Dynamos keep their bodies in motion one way or another, almost all the time. They walk, run, skip, kick, climb, jump, bounce, leap, bound, pounce, bolt, dash, race, sprint, dive, swim, splash, and fly. Dynamos act with gusto and zest. They are risk-takers and dare-devils. And, they are constantly entertaining. Life in their company is never dull.”

“Discoverers have to find things out for themselves and do things their own way.” Oh, yes! This is my Gage!

“In the past, your Edison-trait child has tried to use the same kind of switch he sees others use, but to no avail. He senses that he doesn’t operate the same way. He has a different configuration. Problems start getting solved when you work from his blueprints, not yours. You empower him to figure out his own circuitry, and the rules and methods to turn his lights on.”

Palladino says that every Edison-trait kid needs an adult who understands and believes in them. I hope that Gage will be able to say one day that his parents understood and believed in him. He is worth the time it takes to understand. I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world, even though I act like I would sometimes!

As I sat in church today, listening to our pastor, I was reminded of a simple truth. It’s simple, yet complex. This truth is something that perplexes me, yet it is the foundational truth of my beliefs as a Christian. God loves me. And, you know what? It has nothing to do with what I do or don’t do. It is because I am His child. Think about it this way. If your child came to you and said, “Daddy, why do you love me?”, would you respond with something like, “Because you are so smart”, or “Because you are nice to everyone you meet”, or “Because you are great at everything you do.”? No. All of those reasons are conditional. We love our kids even when they are brats. How many times have your kids driven you crazy all day, and yet, after you’ve put them to bed and they are sleeping soundly, you walk back in and kiss their little cheeks? Your love for them does not change. To a child questioning your reasons for loving them, you would say, “I love you because you’re my child. I have loved you since before you were born and I would die in your place in a heartbeat.” This is how God feels about me. And, he proved it by dying in my place. This simple truth that I have heard my entire life has caused my eyes to well with tears all day as I ponder such a thought. I must have needed the fresh reminder. Sometimes the Gospel becomes boring and I don’t even remember why it changed my life. Today, I’m remembering. This is true freedom.

You’d think I would have learned how to use some features on my camera before now.  I’ve had my camera for 1.5 years and I’m just now learning that I can take it off of “auto”.  I feel like I have a new camera!  Seriously!  This thing has so much more zoom than I thought it did!  A whole new world has opened up to me, and it was sitting in my hands this whole time!

I realize that my blog posts have been pretty sporadic lately.  I think that life has been so hectic that I haven’t really known what to write.  So, I just don’t.  I read other blogs rather than write on my own.  I did realize the other day when I journaled that it had been a year since I last journaled.  I think this blog has had something to do with that.  As I finished pouring my heart out on paper, I began to see just how important journaling is for me.  I think this blog has been a poor substitute for journaling.  Let’s face it, I’m not going to just write and write, with no concern over how my words sound when I post a blog.  In fact, my concern over how things sound is a big part of why I don’t blog more often.  I also have some weird, unrealistic thought that my blog is supposed to share with the world exactly who I am and what is going on in my crazy life.  I need to realize that it is absolutely not possible to completely and accurately represent myself in a blog.  I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that real journaling needs to be a part of my life in a big way.  It just helps me when emotions are circling around in me and I don’t know what to do with them.  I spit them out on the paper, and somehow, it all makes sense after that.  I see things more clearly and know more about myself in the end.   I highly advocate journaling,  and hopefully, I’ll start using this tool more often.  Is anyone else out there a journaler?

I’m reading “The Hiding Place”, by Corrie Ten Boom to Gage, and yesterday as I read, I found myself fighting back a floodgate of tears. We were reading about Corrie’s mom during her time of illness and as her mom’s character came through in the words we were reading, I was reminded of how amazing my own Mom is. I have no doubt that if my Mom were in the same situation as Corrie’s, she would be doing the same thing. Here are Corrie Ten Boom’s words:

(Her Mom suffered a stroke, and as a result could only speak 3 words: “Yes”, “No”, and “Corrie”.)

“To communicate, she and I invented a little game, something like twenty questions. ‘Corrie,’ she would say. ‘What is it, Mama? You’re thinking of someone!’ ‘Yes.’

‘Someone in the family?’

‘No.’

‘Somebody you saw on the street?’

‘Yes.’

‘Was it an old friend?’

‘Yes.’

‘A man?’

‘No.’

‘Mama, I’ll bet it’s someone’s birthday!’ And I would call out names until I heard her delighted, ‘Yes!’ Then I would write a little note saying that Mama had seen the person and wished her a happy birthday. At the close I always put the pen in her stiffened fingers so she could sign it. An angular scrawl was all that was left of her beautiful curling signature, but it was soon recognized and loved all over Haarlem. It was astonishing, really, the quality of life she was able to lead in that crippled body, and watching her during the three years of her paralysis, I made another discovery about love.

Mama’s love had always been the kind that acted itself out with soup pot and sewing basket. But now that these things were taken away, the love seemed as whole as before. She sat in her chair at the window and loved us. She loved the people she saw in the street-and beyond: her love took in the city, the land of Holland, the world. And so I learned that love is larger than the walls which shut it in.”

This past week turned out to be extremely difficult for me. Jared has taken on another job, with the plan to quit Bank of America. But, in this transition period, it just means that things are going to be hard. Before taking on this new job, he was already working 20 hours/week at BOA, plus taking 15 hours/week of classes. Then, you have to add the time he needs to study and write papers/sermons. Now, he has added to this already busy schedule about 16 hours/week. He’s a coach for a company who sells website packages, so he’s basically guiding his clients through a course (via phone) on how to utilize their websites. This meant that every minute (I’m really not exaggerating here) that he was home this week, whether it was in between classes or after class, or after work at the bank, he was on the phone working up until 8 or 9 at night. When you add all of the other trials we faced this week, it was almost too much to bear.

We received a letter from Social Services telling us that it makes no sense how we are paying our rent and not evicted yet, and so they want us to explain how we are doing it. I guess they think we’re lying in order to get food stamps or something. But, the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t make sense to us how we’re paying our bills, either! It just happens. God does it every month. And, just how do you explain that one to a government agency?

Shea was sick for most of the week (excluding Wed, so he was able to go to the Fall Festival at church), and having a sick little one is always tiring. I start getting cabin fever if I spend more than one day inside my house, so after day 2, it was NOT good!

Then, on Friday, I felt like I had been run over by a truck, after hearing the news that someone we know and greatly, greatly respect in ministry is beginning divorce proceedings. (by the way, the respect level has not changed, in case you’re wondering) I think that just did me in for the week. It is such a sobering reminder that we are all so fragile, and there is no guarantee in life. We are all so susceptible to attacks from the enemy, and I was reminded of that in a big way this week. I have to admit, that it scares me. It scares me to think of our future in ministry. I know all of the right answers, blah, blah, blah. Believe me, I know in my head the answers. But, that doesn’t change the fact that there are just times that I’m scared. Life is just so hard, and my heart is breaking for this family that is suffering so deeply. My prayer for this family is that the community of believers surrounding them will love well. Because, the fact of the matter is that sometimes instead of helping to carry burdens and heal deep wounds, we, yes, we, as in fellow believers, tear the wounds open and cause further damage. The kind of suffering this family is experiencing can happen to any of us.

I think it was on Thursday, that I really felt like I was going to lose it. I was at the end of my rope. That night, after Jared finished with his phone calls, we sat down and talked for what was probably the first time we had really talked all week. I told him how I was feeling, saying, “I just want people to understand how hard our life is right now.” “People just have no idea how hard this is.” You get the idea. Then, I started telling him that I’ve noticed that God doesn’t let me go very long before I hit points like this. There are differing degrees of difficulties in life, and most of them are bearable. But, every now and then, I am stretched so thin, that I know there is absolutely no way I can make it without Him. I just can’t do it. And, I know He sends these hard times like this past week just to remind me that I need Him. Otherwise, I would just cruise through life and barely think of the One who is sustaining me and breathing life into me every second.

We also talked about how ridiculous it is that we always think our life is the hardest. It seems that when I’m in the depth of despair, I don’t believe that anyone else in my life has it as hard as I do. I fully admit the selfishness in those thoughts. And, the day after talking about this, we got the news about the family going through a divorce. Hmmmm…somehow, I think they DO have it worse than me. Okay, God, I get it. I needed that reminder. Then, today, I ended up talking to a girl after church who’s husband is working 60 hours a week between 2 jobs. She has 4 kids! That’s hard. Okay, I’m really getting it now. There is always someone suffering even more deeply than I am. So, instead of wallowing in pity, maybe I should keep my eyes open for those suffering, and try to help them. But, God, my life is so HARD. I just don’t have time. I can barely take care of my own family. And, that is the problem, everyone. We’re ALL hurting in some way, and very few of us are taking care of each other because we’re so focused on our own difficulties. Okay, hopefully one day I’ll get it.

At the women’s conference I attended this weekend, Tara Barthel really challenged us to live out the gospel. I believe the gospel. I know it is true. But, I don’t live like I do. If I was living like I believed the gospel, I would constantly extend grace to the broken people around me. Extending grace means to give someone something they do not deserve. Christ suffered and died for us, while we were spitting in his face. That is grace. Not only did He save us from death, but He carries our burdens as we suffer in this mean world. More grace. Where would I be without the grace He continually extends to me?

Today has just been one of those days. Honestly, it’s one of those days that I just want to give up on homeschooling and enroll Gage in school. We have some really good reasons to be schooling Gage at home, but that’s for a later post, perhaps. Gage requires balance in his life, and if anything gets off kilter, he begins spiraling down. Too much TV, not enough alone time, hunger, sickness, too much play time, too much sugar, blah, blah, blah…….(the list goes on and on), all lead to a spiraling effect if I don’t catch it quickly. He spirals down into an emotional wreck. So, today, as we were trying to do school, things were just not going well. Our friend, Mandy, is here visiting and what I love about Mandy’s visits is that we can go on with life as normal. She is like family and so when she’s here, she sees life as it is in the Lee home. I’d like to think we’re like that with everyone, but I have to admit, we’re probably not. Anyway, Mandy gets to see all of our struggles, and I love hearing her insight. She is so wise. Today, after sending Gage to take a nap because I absolutely couldn’t tolerate one more minute of his drama, I vented to Mandy. After listening to me say all of the things I felt like saying to Gage, but held back (only by God’s grace), this is what she had to say. She affirmed for me that if she had been dealing with all of the struggles I had been dealing with all morning, she would be in tears. She sees that every little thing that I tell Gage to do becomes a struggle and that I have to tell him more than once (usually 4 times) to do it, before it is done. These are all things that I need to hear. I get so caught up in it all, that I don’t realize what’s happening. So, thanks to Mandy’s input, once again, I realize that I let Gage get by with bargaining way too much. He has learned that he doesn’t have to immediately obey. He can have an attitude, give me a rotten look, and beg for a different way to do something way too often. Looks like I’m going to have to try, once again, at changing some things. I can already detect what some of the issues are. One of them is that he is being allowed to have too much free time with our new schedule of doing school from 1-4 in the afternoons. So, I’m going to have to come up with some things that he can do on his own during the times that I am not able to go on an adventure for half of the day. I swear, raising kids is the hardest job in the world. No wonder I’m so exhausted by the time we put them to bed at night!

I received an e-mail from a dear friend about my last post and I really appreciated it.  She spoke of how encouraged she was by the ladies time on Saturday night and urged me to consider going to the ones held in the future.  I don’t know why I get on such rants sometimes about community, but yesterday’s post was one of those rants that I chose not to contain.  I hope I didn’t offend anyone!  I do realize that we all need one another and that I am probably (as my husband so graciously pointed out) contributing to the cycle of seclusion by not participating.  I was told that the women at the gathering were encouraged to stop faking community and really reach out to each other, and that is really good to hear.  Thanks, you know who, for filling me in and pushing me forward!  That’s what community means to me.