Redemption

I feel like superwoman today. Since 7:15 this morning, these are the things I’ve managed to do, in order:

1. Make pancakes

2. Babysit for Andrew (Emily and Matt’s precious baby)

3. Direct Gage’s schooling and do some reading with him.

4. Fix a fabulous lunch.

(not my photo.  From Cooking Light.)

5. Prepare dinner for tonight in the crock pot.

6. Take a shower (Does anyone else notice that all hell breaks out in your home when you decide to do this? I took a shower in the boy’s bathroom today b/c Andrew was napping in our room and as soon as I turned the shower on, Gage was banging on the door yelling that he had to do some business in there. Anyway, that’s another post in itself.)

7. Go to Wal-Mart with both boys and buy various items that require thought. That’s not easy with my boys tagging along.

8. Haul the bike with us on the bike rack and go for a bike ride at Tower Grove before Gage’s art lesson. Gage followed Shea and I on his skateboard.

9. Drop Gage off at art and take Shea with me to Aldi for some grocery shopping.

10. Pick Gage up and drive home with an exhausted 3 year old, who claimed most of the way home that he had to poop. In the middle of Shea whining that he needed to go potty, I was trying to move over into the lane beside me before I missed my exit. I’m not sure what happened, but apparently I did something to make the guy in the lane next to me mad and he found it necessary to blow his horn at me and shake his head as he passed me. Sometimes I just wish I could say to the person doing that to me, “Look, buddy! You should realize what a miracle it is that I’ve managed to make it this far! Would you be able to manage passing back animal crackers to your 3 year old, listen to him whining about needing to poop, along with an 8 year old talking non-stop in the back, all while changing lanes in traffic?! Okay then. Back off!”

Whoo! That’s a day, and I’m glad it’s almost over! I’m also so glad that I finally feel well enough to have a day like today. Last week’s sickness was getting old fast.

Gage:  Full force, 150 miles per hour, act first, think later.

Shea:  Cautious, take it slow, let me think about it first, then I’ll decide.

Jared thinks it was mean for me to stand there taking pictures, with Shea in such agony.  But, as soon as I saw what was happening, I knew I had to capture the moment.   Shea knows I love him!

Yes, our kids use the forbidden word in our house.  When I was growing up, my Mom wouldn’t allow us to say “fart”, but these boys belong to Jared.  Need I say more?

My Mom came through the surgery great.  Everything went as expected.  Thank you for all your prayers.  She will be very sore when she wakes up tomorrow, but, as far as the doctors can tell, she should have a normal recovery.  Thanks, again, everyone!  Your e-mails and messages were very comforting.

My Mom (”Mama” to her kids) will be having heart surgery Friday morning at 6:45 Eastern time. This is a scheduled procedure to correct a micro-valve prolapse. Recovery time will be 8 weeks, and they are planning on keeping her at the hospital for 6 days after surgery.

Please pray that the procedure goes exactly as planned and that she will heal quickly, with no infection. I’m sure everything will be fine, but it is a little unnerving to be so far away from her during this time. I love this woman dearly! I’ll post an update once I hear. (Oh,yeah, her name is Sandy) Thanks!

Jared has officially entered his last year of school here, and that means change will be coming soon to the Lee household.  I can’t believe we only have 9 more months until graduation.  As of now, we have no clue where we will end up.  But, I am already making a mental list of the things I want to part with for good.  Our dining room table and chairs, along with our couch and love seat are definitely not going with us.  These are things I have wanted to part with for quite some time and we both agree this move is when we will say our glad goodbyes.

As I’ve compiled this list in my head, I’ve also been reminded of the things I will keep.

All three of these paintings were done by my Aunt Lynda (my Mom’s sister).  I am so honored to have them hanging on my walls!

My little sis, Emily sketched this!  I have some talented people in my family, for sure.

Gage (my 8 year old) painted this when he was 4.  I love it!

Another one by Gage.  He painted this on a long piece of cardboard, and it’s one of my favorites.

Also by Gage

I love Gage’s artwork.

These candlesticks were given to us for our wedding by my friend, Abbey.  Abbey has been dear to my heart for many years and she knows just what I like.  I LOVE these candlesticks!

We bought this print of Rainbow Row in Charleston, on our honeymoon.  It hangs above our bed and it is a neat reminder of the first few days of our marriage.

I love moving because it gives me a good reason to get rid of stuff.  The less we have to move, the easier it will be.  The hard part for me about moving is having to make new friends.  I’m already sad about having to leave our friends here.  I have friends here that I feel the freedom to share everything on my mind.  I can just be, without feeling like I have to meet any expectations.  Feeling freedom in my friendships here has been a great thing for me.  I hope to carry what I’ve learned here about friendships to wherever we go, and give others the freedom to just be.

Girl’s Night at the Winery to celebrate Em’s b-day (Me, Becky, Nicki, and April)

So, if I can take the art on my walls and the freedom to “just be”, I’ll be a happy woman.  Oh, and I think I’ll take my husband and kids, too!  Too bad I can’t take my friends.

My Crazy Friends, Christine and Emily.  These girls crack me up.

A few days ago, I chose to wear some spandex yoga pants around the house for the day.  I wasn’t going anywhere, and they were really comfortable.  When I’m at home, comfort is of utmost importance.

The first hour I had the pants on, I thought to myself, “This is great motivation to get in shape.  I  need a reminder to start Weight Watchers, and this is doing it for me.”  These were my thoughts for the first hour or two that I wore the pants, every time I passed a mirror.  Motivation is a good thing, so I kept them on.  I even began writing a blog post in my head entitled, “The Beauty of Spandex”.

Later that day, I found myself to be in a really foul mood, and I wasn’t sure why.  Jared wanted to know why, too, so we started talking about it.  It didn’t take me long to realize that it was the freaking pants.  They were making me feel like crap about myself.  I  had gone from feeling motivated to do something about my flab to absolutely despising the fact that I looked horrible in the pants.  The blog post in my head quickly changed to “The Horror of Spandex”.

It’s great to be motivated every now and then, and the spandex did it for a brief period of time.  However, I’m not sure the beauty of being motivated outweighed the horror I felt every time I passed a mirror.

Plans for next week:  Hit the YMCA for some cardio pilates and swimming.  Oh, and Weight Watchers will once again be entering my life!

I may even start blogging over here again.

Lately, I’ve felt frustrated because I live in a bubble here on seminary campus.  All of us are pretty much on the same page, and I guess that gets old for me after a while.  I like to live among a variety of people with varying belief systems, and that just hasn’t been the case for me these past couple of years.

Don’t get me wrong, I cherish fellowship with close friends who hold to the same beliefs and are living crazy lives right along with us.  But, I also find a depth and a richness to life when I am surrounded by a variety of people.

Back in ‘99, after being at YWAM for 6 months, I began itching to get back into the real world.  I suppose after 2 years of living on a seminary campus, it would be normal for me to start feeling the itch again.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble when it comes to the blogosphere, too.  Most of my readers are fellow seminary friends, and most of the blogs I read belong to people in the same phase of life as myself.

This past week, I was really encouraged by discovering someone I have never met, who is in a totally different phase of life than my own, came across my blog post entitled “August 27th” and found a little slice of hope.  I was so excited to see that my blog could be relevant to someone outside of this little bubble I live in. Go check out Liz’s blog.  I’ll be following her little piece of the blogosphere, and you should, too!

This date has caught my attention for the past 9 years, but today, it has seemed like a much bigger deal to me than before.  For the past few years, when I hear or see August 27th, something is slightly awakened in me and I feel like the date is important.  Sometimes it takes a couple of seconds to remember why the date stands out, and then I remember, with a quickening in my stomach.  Today, it didn’t take as long.  I remembered that it was coming a few days ago, made a mental note, and then forgot.  I forgot until this evening, as I was sitting with my family in the living room.  It’s then that I remembered that 10 years ago today, I married a guy named Dylan. It’s so strange.  I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions stirring around in me at the moment.

My husband just came and joined me in the living room, and to be honest, I’m a little angry at the fact that I am distracted from him with memories of the day I married a guy named Dylan.

You know what’s amazing, though?  Jared lets me embrace the memories.  He doesn’t require me to stuff them away and hide them from view.  He lets me talk, and he loves me the same as ever.  He came out and turned the TV on.  I told him I was blogging about this and that I really needed to be able to concentrate.  I felt guilty even saying it, but he understood.  I offered to get up and go in our room, but he said “no”.  He told me to sit here and blog.  He’s running to the store to get some wine.  I told him I’m probably going to want a glass after I finish with this! So, where was I?

The emotions.  Yes, I’m a little surprised at all of the emotions surrounding this 10 year mark.  I think about all of the hurt that was brought on as a result of marrying Dylan in ‘98.  But, there was joy, too.  I used to feel guilty about this, and still do to a degree.  I feel guilty that I’ve experienced joy with anyone else as a husband.  But, I can’t help that.  There was joy when we went to YWAM Denver as newlyweds, and then to Pakistan on a mission trip.  Joy when we saw God protects us in huge ways.  Joy when we watched Him provide for all of our needs.  Joy when Gage entered the world and we were able to see our son for the first time.  Joy when we watched him take his first steps together.

There was pain, too.  And, unfortunately, the pain started coming more and more often.  The pain of watching the man I loved choose drugs over his family.  The pain of waiting up all night, wondering where he is and how much money he has spent.  The pain of thinking about my son’s future with a father who can not stay sober.  The pain of having to hide the checkbook.  The pain of waking in the morning to his confessions.  The pain of visiting my husband at a rehab, wondering if he’ll make it this time.  The pain of wondering when I will be able to trust him.  The pain of watching my dreams and desires crash around me.  So much pain.  Pain that I never thought I would experience.

Remembering August 27th is sad in many ways.  But, it also reminds me of all that God has restored and made right in my life.  I have a husband who is steadfast.  He loves God and wants to carry His hope and promises with him in this hurting world.  He loves me unconditionally and serves me unendingly.  He loves Gage as his own child and had all of the paperwork drawn up to adopt him before we were even married.  He is a man who keeps his promises and I can trust him completely.  God has provided far more for Gage and I than I could have ever even imagined.

I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact that if I had not married Dylan, my life would not be as it is now.  It seems that I made a mistake on August 27th, but in reality, I didn’t.  My life was and is in God’s hands and He directed every step that I took.

Had I not married Dylan, I would not have Gage.  If Gage had not entered the world, I would not have been at East Carolina University in January of 2002 as a single-mom, full-time student.  Had I not been at ECU, I would have not crossed paths with Jared, who was immediately drawn to MY CHILD.  Let me stress that again.  MY CHILD.  He was drawn to my child, first.  Not me.  So, you see.  It all had a purpose that I would have never in a million years been able to come up with on my own.

I wonder how it will feel when I hit the 15 year mark and then the 20 year mark?  I don’t know, but I feel certain Jared will be right there beside me through it all.  He’ll tell me it’s okay and that he loves me, scars and all.  That is priceless.

Now, I’m going to go enjoy a glass of wine with my husband.

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