redemption

“People ask me if I have some kind of death wish, to keep saying the things I do. The answer is no: I would like to keep living. However, some things must be said, and there are times when silence becomes an accomplice to injustice.”

~Aayan Hirsi Ali, in “Infidel”

This brave woman’s story is one worth reading. I know, from experience with Muslim families (of which I dearly love), that there are different levels of devoutness to Islam. When reading this story, it cannot be assumed that all Muslim families practice the same customs.

With that in mind, go pick up a copy, read it, and tell me what you think.

I just discovered that if you look over previous entries, the pictures are missing. I’m really hoping that my brilliant husband can fix this, because this blog is just not my blog without pictures! So, if you’re popping in for the first time and can’t see pictures on previous posts, please come back. Hopefully, it will be repaired soon!

Tonight is a big night in the Lee house.  We will be having dinner with a pastor who is hiring an assistant pastor/eventual church planter, and he has come to St. Louis to get to know potential candidates.  This is THE job that Jared wants and I, also, agree that it would be a great fit for all of us.  We would love for all of you to join with us in praying for God’s plan to be revealed easily to all involved.  This is definitely a time of learning to trust that He really is in control of it all.

What is so amusing to me is that our 9 year old son is totally on board with this.  I have been so amazed at his behavior today.  When I awoke this morning, he was cleaning the bathroom, paying attention to every single detail.  He was folding the towels to hang over the bar “just like they do in hotels” and picking out some homemade soap to put out on the counter, paying close attention to the way it would be displayed.    He then, moved on to the couch, where he fluffed the pillows and lined them up perfectly.  Then, he folded the throw and found the perfect spot for it on the back of the couch.  I kept reminding him that we had all day to get the house decent (knowing that a certain 3 year old would destroy it in no time), but he insisted that he wanted to make things look good right then.

After his work in the bathroom and living room, I had to leave for a doctor appt., so I instructed him to to do  his schoolwork while I was gone.  As soon as he finished his schoolwork, he got dressed in his “nice” clothes (a button up collared shirt and jeans without holes).  I asked him why he was getting dressed so nice, and he acted like I was crazy for not knowing.  “Because, Mom, the pastor is coming.  Please don’t tell me you’re gonna wear sweatpants.  Aren’t you gonna look nice for this dinner?” (at this point, the time was 1:30, and our dinner is not until 5:45!)

Our son really has ended up making this a day long affair.  He has now moved on to the “appetizer” tray.  He has successfully made a plate of grapes, olives, pickles, and carrots, as well as a tray of crackers and  hummus.  He just asked me if I had something planned for dessert, “because if you don’t, Mom, I have something good in mind.”  This kid is cracking me up big time.  I can’t believe how into this he is!  I’m a little scared to think about what may come out of his mouth tonight.  What I find so funny about all of it is that Jared and I really are low key and not big on trying to impress.  We are who we are.  Hopefully, that’s good enough, but if not, Gage is doing his best to help us out tonight!

Does this snake handling, bat chasing, “Joe Dirt” (as my sister has labeled him) kid look like he’d also be interested in appetizer trays and decorating?  I’m telling you, I have the world’s most well rounded kid, for sure! If you have a daughter around his age, you may want to look him up in 12-15 years from now!  I have a feeling he’s going to be a great catch.

I was so, so glad to be able to take a trip to NC to visit with my parents and sisters/nieces  a few weeks ago.  I had not seen them since August, and I was really struggling with the fact that it appeared I would not even see them until after our baby is born.   Thanks to the generosity of my sweet Aunt, I was able to fly down with the boys for a great visit.

My little sis, Emily,  is getting married in May, and I won’t be able to be there for the wedding because of this little munchkin incubating within me right now.  So, I was thrilled to get a little time to know her fiance, Carl, who fits perfectly into our family.  I had a good time taking some pictures of them, and thought I’d share some.  I have to say that I think my sister is absolutely beautiful and these pictures just make me want to squeeze her, she’s so darn cute.  I think she looks pretty happy in the following pictures.  Wouldn’t you agree?

Dear Sinuses,

I am so sorry that I never knew who you were, or how important you are to my daily functioning until last Saturday  night.  To be honest with you, I never really knew you were there, until I did something, which is still unknown, to make you so mad.  What did I do?  Was it the intense blowing that I did of my nose the week before you attacked me so viciously?  Or, was it the plane ride to and from NC?  Do you just not like plane rides?  Or was it the swim I took in the pool?  I even wore my earplugs for you, but maybe it upset you when I took them out for just a second, and then put my head under the water.  Whatever I did to upset you so, please do forgive me.  I never knew of your importance, and for that I am sorry.

I didn’t know that if you revolted against me, I would be confined to a chair for a week in a dark house.  I didn’t know that you could make my entire head feel as if it was going to completely pop off of my head.  I didn’t know that I could suffer from the absolute worst migraine ever for an ENTIRE FREAKING WEEK, if you chose to revolt.  My husband had no idea, either.  Did you know that for an entire week, he went to school, worked, took care of the kids, and kept the house clean?  You not only had complete control over me, but my husband as well.  Can I ask you a favor, Sinuses?  Please don’t do this to me again.  Especially when I am pregnant.  Thank you.  I promise to take the best care of you as possible from here on out.  You have earned my utmost respect and I am so thankful for the job you do for my body.

Yours Forever,

Lyra

As I type this, Gage is sitting in my bedroom doing his schoolwork. The problem is that he has been at work since 9:30 this morning, and it is now 2:30. The amount of independent work I gave him should have taken about 1.5 hours, so he is obviously wasting LOTS of time. I’ve gone through phases of extreme frustration today, as I’ve walked in and found him staring off into space or been interrupted by him asking me if the painting above my bed is a picture or a painting, because he would really like to go to a place like the one he sees in the picture (yes, he really said that). For whatever reason, he has been highly distracted today, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not going to worry about it. There are natural consequences to his choice to waste time. He will have no free time outside (which is absolute torture to him). And, he’ll be doing school all day, rather than a portion of the day.

Shea and I have had a low key day, because he is recovering from an ear infection and I’m fighting off a cold. So, I’ve decided to just go with it. I haven’t done any school with Gage, because he’s not done with his independent work. But, that’s okay, because I think I needed some rest. It has been a quiet day, after all is said and done, so I can’t complain.

Except, that right about now, the knocks from neighbor kids will begin, because Gage isn’t roaming the neighborhood, as usual. Oh, and the fits and crying will start when he is done with school and realizes he has lost all of his free time. And, now it begins……………..It was nice while it lasted.

My friend, Emily, and I took our boys to the park last week to enjoy a nice break from the cold. The temps got into the 50′s last week, and now, today, we’re back down to 18 degrees. Geez! The weather here doesn’t stay the same for long. Because it has been so cold, I haven’t been getting out and using my new camera as much as I’d like to. I was so thrilled to have the chance to take it with me and have some fun. Enjoy the pics!

Two weeks after my first child was born, everything fell to pieces.  I can still remember it like it was yesterday, and 9.5 years have passed. The day began as a normal day would, I suppose.  My husband (for background info on this go here) and I took Gage for his 2 week appointment at the pediatrician.  Everything looked fine, and we left the office with our sweet little bundle snugly tucked into his car seat.  We began the 20 minute drive home, with me in the driver seat.

At some point in our short trip home, I began praying out loud for my husband, because I perceived him to be acting really strange.  The more I prayed, the madder he became, and I became more and more convinced that he was under a spiritual attack.  He kept telling me to stop, and I refused, even going as far as loudly and forcefully commanding the evil to flee from him.  He began to be concerned about me driving, because I was freaking out, to say the least.  He told me to pull the car over into a Hardee’s parking lot.  He jumped out, and I jumped out, continuing in my quest to rid him of the evil I perceived to be so present.  I remember the look  of terror on his face as he used our cell phone to call my parents.  By this time, I had gotten back into the driver’s seat, and watched him finish his frantic call.

Before I knew it, my Mom was stooped down in front of me, extremely scared and concerned.  I couldn’t understand why they were so scared.  It was so obvious to me that my husband was under some sort of spiritual attack, and I thought that Satan was blinding them.  I remember saying to my Mom, as she tried so hard to understand what was happening, “Do you see these eyes, Mama.  These eyes are not my own.  They are Jesus’ eyes looking at you.  It’s not me, it’s Jesus.”

Within minutes, and to my surprise, the ambulance arrived.  A couple of men in EMT uniforms came over to us and told me that I would need to come with them.  I tried to refuse and became frantic over the fact that I was going to be separated from my baby, who I was nursing.  How was he going to eat?  And, why did I have to go to the hospital?  Why is everyone turning against me?  Why don’t they believe that my husband is under a spiritual attack?  They are all blinded!

They somehow managed to get me into the ambulance.  I arrived at the triage area of the psychiatric hospital, and my Mom met us there.  I was trying in every way possible to find a way out of the situation.  I even asked people sitting around me to let me use their cell phones to call home.  I felt like I was in a bad dream that I could not awaken from.  No one believed that I didn’t need to be there, and I didn’t understand why everyone was turning against me.  I remember being called into an office, where they asked me some questions.  The next thing I knew, I was standing in the middle of the psychiatric wing, screaming and fighting in protest to being put there against my will.  A group of nurses surrounded me as I fought, and ended up bringing me down to the floor, where they injected me with a tranquilizer.

I woke up in a dimly lit, unfamiliar room with 2 beds and sparse furnishings.  I slowly, groggily, walked into the bathroom, and tried to look at myself in the metal mirror over the sink.  I was still dressed in the clothes I was admitted in, and it was cold in the room.  I was wearing a spaghetti strap tank top, a mini skirt and no shoes.  My underwear had been soiled, more than likely during my struggle with the staff, and I threw them into the trash can.  I felt like I had been stripped of everything, including my baby.  I had no rights and I was stuck in a strange place against my will.

So, this is how my first (unfortunately, it happened more than once) two week stay at a psychiatric hospital began.  There is much more to the nightmare that unfolded before our eyes, but that will have to be for another day.  Stay tuned for Part 3……………

My blog friend, Beth, at Total Mom Haircut posted a fun meme today.  Here are the rules taken straight from her post:

1) Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you cannot go up to your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids. I want to know what you carried today (or the last time you left the house – it’s freaking snowing here so you know I’m in my velour pants today and the green precious is sitting on the steps).

2) I want to know how much it cost:) And this is not to judge, because I’m honestly telling you I was ready to put down some cash; I just got lucky. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I’d love to hear it.

3) Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your diaper bag/non-diaper bag.

Here’s the bag I’ve been carrying lately.  I am happy to say that I have not carried a diaper bag for about 2 years.  But, all of that will change very soon:).

I did not pay a dime for this bag, because I bummed it off of my little sis.  I actually never buy bags.  In fact, I think the last bag I bought was a diaper bag purchased 3 1/2 years ago.  I am lucky to have a sister who supplies all my purse needs.  She buys them, gets tired of them, and then passes them on to me!

Now, for the tagging:

Emily and Nikki- because I know both of you are purse queens.

Carla- because we live so far apart now and I want to know the minute details of your life.

And, anyone else who wants to join in on the fun!

I’ve wanted to write for quite a while about a segment of my life that is much easier to just forget. But, I know that what I went through can be used to give others hope, and I’ve wanted to use my blog as a venue for that, but never have.

Now that I am pregnant again, and thinking once again about the precautions we will need to take, I figured I’d go ahead and begin the story. I will, in no way, be able to do it all in one post. But, I figured I’d just start and see where it takes us.

Let me begin by saying, there are things I will tell you that you will have a hard time believing. When I tell people the story, I feel like I am one of those weirdos that needs to make up the craziest lie she can think of just so she can get attention. Well, I’m sorry to say that all of what you will hear is true. It was an absolute nightmare, and by far the absolute scariest time of my life. One of my biggest fears now is losing the ability to control my mind. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced.

I guess the first thing I need to do is explain the difference between postpartum psychosis and postpartum depression. Psychosis is much different than depression because it begins with a split from reality. A person is no longer able to distinguish their delusions from reality.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with after I recovered was the flippant, ignorant responses I would get when I told people I had been through postpartum psychosis. I found that the instant I mentioned postpartum, they didn’t even hear the word psychosis. The response usually was something along the lines of, “Yeah, my sister was really depressed after her baby was born”, or “I know a lot of women who have been through that. It’s pretty common.” Um, no. Actually, postpartum psychosis is pretty rare. 1/10 out of 1% of mothers experience the nightmare. (those were the statistics back in ’99)

Because of those responses, I began keeping pretty quiet about it. I did join a support group in hopes of encouraging women going through the same thing, and I’m glad that I was able to do that for a time. But, in general, I kept my mouth shut, unless I happened to meet someone who needed help.

So, I’m writing here now, in hopes that some moms (and fathers) will find encouragment from my story. There is life after the worst kind of postpartum issues. If my life turned around, yours or your loved ones can, too. Once you read the story, you’ll understand why I am able to confidently say such a thing. Stay tuned………..

Click below to read:

Parts 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.